Lions, Tigers, Boyfriends! Oh My!

As a friend, sometimes you have to learn to take the bench while someone else takes your place, usually in a relationship this happens. You meet someone become so infatuated that your friends take the sidelines for a short period of time and once the grace period is over they are back to being a starting player in your life and you learn balance. Well that’s how it’s supposed to go. But sometimes that just isn’t the story, not all relationships work that way. Sometimes friends get permanently benched while someone else becomes the star player and you are left standing on the side wondering why the coach keeps playing someone who hogs the ball, who makes game losing choices and who manipulates statistics to suit their favor. No matter how many times you point out the coaches bad choice inevitably you become the player who is jealous and can’t support the “teams” choices.

 

I have been that girl, I have been the girl who benched all of my friends and let one person play all the roles in my life. I had made a bad choice, and when we didn’t make it to the play offs, my friends were still there even though I had benched them, blamed them for the losses and then removed them entirely from my roster. I had to learn a hard lesson, that not one person can fulfill all the needs in my life, I need my friends, my family, and my alone time. It took one really crappy season to realize that I couldn’t do it with just one player. It also took another crappy season to realize I couldn’t do it alone. However, learning to be single has been a rewarding experience. I crashed, and burned royally. I went through all the phases, I was alone (panic). I was angry (hate everyone). I was sad (become a recluse) and then I took a stand. I started to get busy; I sold my house and bought a new one.  I spent time with new friends, riding, I joined a gym, and I cut my hair short. I began to realize that who I thought I was, was always attached to who someone else was. I learned what I liked, and what I didn’t. I learned who my friends were and I learned to be a better friend not just one who takes, then benches people in my life.

I have learned that taking the bench sucks, I hate being benched in someone else’s life, so I have learned that benching people in my life is never a good choice. Recently a friend has benched me, removed me from her roster and then brought me back. However when I was brought back on the team I realized I didn’t get the same position I had before, I was more like a water boy. I get to come in when she or someone else needs something in her life. I am not a friend, I am not even a support role, I have taken the position to be used and set aside at her whim. It hurts to be in this role, because you love someone so much, you have been there so long and to just become an object in their life who is picked up and put down at their will really makes you think. I think about just gracefully bowing out, I think about telling her how I feel, and I think about the past about all the times she took a side line and came back to finish the game in my life. I have to make a choice, one that I have been avoiding for so very long. Will she understand, and will I ever get to take a better role all of these are outstanding questions to our friendship. I had always thought we would be together for life, to the end no matter what… If this person happens to read this, I hope they know that I love them so very much, I am happy for their happiness, but I hope that they love me enough back to know that I can’t keep being the object, that I want more out of our friendship, selfishly or selflessly I do.  I know that I have put her in this role and I hope she knows that I am forever sorry and regret it daily. It is with tears, and an aching heart I write this and know what choice I have to make and I hope that they will understand.

Jess and I have both benched each other, we have both let other people take bigger roles than they deserve in our lives. We have both rejoined the dating scene but under the pact that no matter what happens we will never bench each other again. We have a common understanding that our relationship will enviably change and we will see each other less, however we know better now and we know that we can’t ever just replace one another we will allow room for another person in our lives but we will no longer have a one man team.  

 We hope you've enjoyed reading this post. We'll leave you with some wise words! 

“The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes is the family you’re born into and sometimes in the one you make for yourself” Carrie SITC

Soundtrack

•  Hurt Love Box- Mark Ballas

• The Man I Used to Be- Matt Kennon

• All I Do- Wayne Brady

  

 

 

Assuming? Please Don't.

There aren't too many things in this world that seriously irk me personally. Sure, there are people that get on my nerves or  things that happen in society that I severely dislike and wish didn't happen. But the stuff I take personally is when someone just assumes something about my life or assumes they're better than me. Yes. I take that personally and I find it hard to just let it roll off my back. 

This is something I've found my whole life .  When people look at me, they don't see someone who commands attention or someone who looks like they've been around the world and back.  I don't flaunt my education degrees, I don't value my life on how much money I make. I guess I appear naive and sometimes stupid, but I'm not. When I talk to people, I'd rather assume they know what I'm talking about or are on some equal level, than just decide that I'm the smarter one or I'm the one that is more important. 

I can't tell you how that rags on my self esteem and self image. Because 'you' seem to think that I am to be treated as some one lower than you doesn't make it true. I've been quite a few places and I have raised quite a few animals and I read a helluva lot. There's quite a bit more information in my noggin than the rest of the world thinks. 

Give me a chance to ask you if I don't know or, in the very least, don't talk down to me. There isn't anything else in the world that makes me view you as ignorant or self righteous as talking down to me does. And let me tell you, that drops you on the kind if person I may have thought you were and I stop giving you the benefit of the doubt. 

I don't know. My posts are usually a little bit more cheerful than this. Or at least, a little less directive. I am not aiming this at you guys, as the readers. "You" was meant more as a way for me to get my frustration out, speaking to those people who have come into and out of my life who just assume. Don't people know what is said?  Assuming makes an ass out of you and me. Duh. Haha. 

I hope this entry wasn't too Bleegh. But this blog is all about us and what we deal with on a daily basis. Let us leave you with some wise words. 

"Never assume people's motives. It's the easiest way to find yourself upset over nothing, or misjudging people." 

                                                  - Lecrae

Soundtrack. 

•  Walk Away- The Script

• Up On The Ridge- Dierks Bentley

• Can't You See- Waylon Jennings 

The Cloak of Invisibility

Yes, finding a true invisibility cloak is left to the wizarding world of Harry Potter. However, for those of us who have anxiety, self-image/self-confidence troubles, and fears of the unknown, we have a wonderful trick and know just how to become invisible without needing our imagination or trying to remember to pick up our cloak from the dry cleaner.  

*~* FLASH BACK *~*

When I was growing up, I was shy, reserved and a bit different. As you have read in my past posts my childhood was far from normal and I cared more about getting out of school and to the barn. The kids in grade school were not nice, they picked on me and I soon learned the art of blending in with my surroundings. Pick a bench furthest from all the others, sit at the end of the lunch table, make sure you're last in line, and remain silent at all times.  It worked, the kids would leave me alone, it was only in those times that we had to do group participation or I was forced to be someone’s science partner, that I suffered most.  I knew who to talk to and who to avoid, who to sit next to and who you should not make eye contact with; you learn quick when you're bullied.  

 

*~* Travel to College Years*~*

After I graduated high school I began community college and it was great, you went to class at times you pick, no one notices you, there are droves of people, and I had adapted from years’ experience on how to blend. My chameleon skills have been honed and I flexed them any chance I had the opportunity to.  It worked for me, I made friends and flourished in this environment but when the time called I could become invisible and just go unnoticed.  Or so I thought…..

 

*~* Time Warp to New Career; Post College Years*~*

I got a fantastic opportunity, an internship. I was so excited, I started it, and I struggled. I didn’t fit in, I was expected to know more than I did, I struggled learning the ropes, I didn’t get proper training, I did not do well and my chameleon skills just didn’t work. Had I lost them? Did I lose all that experience? The answer was no, I just learned to ignore my surrounding, I learned to blend and I learned to block out people. They still noticed.  However, it was me who never noticed.  It was my first harsh lesson on life. You can’t just block out in adult hood, you can’t go home and hibernate, you can’t avoid, and most of all you can’t ignore your coworkers especially when you are the low man on the totem pole.

 

There it was, my first hit in reality, you were never invisible Alexis you just learned how to make everyone else invisible. It hit me like a lead brick right to my stomach. I had to choose to make the most of what I had, or just, well...there really is no or.  It's just or. I had to make the most of what I had.

 

*~* Zing into Modern Time *~*

It has been over five years since my internship, so much has changed and I have changed so much. There are times and situations that I can gracefully blend, my chameleon skills are hyper focused I can block out people and go about my life. I grab my invisibility cloak, head out the door and I am happy. Then there are days when someone picks on you harshly they exploit the pains of your past relationships, they find a weakness and pull the thread, and no matter how hard you try you just can’t go invisible. It’s there and again you realize that it is always you who makes everyone else invisible while they continue to notice you, even if it is just your flaws.

I can remember recently, Jess and I had one of our thousands of talks about singledom, I told her "I don’t know what it is. Guys just don’t notice me". She said “ They notice you, they notice you all the time and here is the biggest kicker, YOU JUST DON’T SEE IT.”  It is true, I have learned from years’ experience to not see, to avoid, to blend, and to just disappear in life.  However my time with Jess has showed me that I want to be less invisible, more present and to live to the fullest. I notice I now choose to smile, to defend myself, to speak up, to grab opportunity by the hand and let it take me. My Chameleon skills and invisibility cloak are no longer carried in my purse on a daily basis, I leave them at home.  My journey with Jess had forever changed me, I notice it has begun to change her. She makes choices she could never make before, but I am doing the same. We blog, text, laugh and cry together and I know its okay because she too has a cloak of invisibility, and we band together to enjoy this journey, to find our happy.  

 We'll leave you with some wise words. 

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.”

                                          -J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

 

Soundtrack

• Banjo- Rascal Flatts

• That's What They're Bitin' On- Tyler Farr

• We All Fall Down- Darius Rucker

 

Sometimes, We're Just A Little Jealous

In today's world, it doesn't take much before we become inundated with everyone else's life, before our social feeds are overrun by peoples' thoughts of the day.   Social networking has made it easier and easier for us to share our lives with everyone around us and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram make it so simple for our lives, success and failures, to become everyone's business. For us living with anxiety, social media profile feeds can have triggers that cause our brains to jump into over drive. 

For a long time, I had hundreds of people on my friends list on Facebook. They weren't necessarily people I was close friends with, but they were people I wanted to, keep tabs on, perse. Yeah.  You read that right. Keep tabs on. Sounds kind of psychotic doesn't it?  Why the heck would she want to keep tabs on people she wasn't friends with?  Because my anxiety ridden brain liked to tell me that people I was friends with in Facebook deserved the successes they received more than I did. 

I used to think about some of these people in the context that they didn't deserve the things they got. They didn't deserve that new horse or that school scholarship. They were people I knew personally and I didn't feel that they lived a life that constituted an over abundance of good things to happen to them. Why them? Why not to good people who did good things?

There were people on my Facebook who I would truely be happy for when they recieved that scholarship or was able to get a new horse. There were people I knew who did deserve happy things in life. But I can clearly remember it being the people who cut corners or cheated or were not fit animal caretakers who would receive the new horse or whatever reward they had stepped on other people  to get to.  I would get so *angry* when I would read their status updates or the tweets they'd post. I always remember asking "why?  Why do they get everything they want?"  Or " How come I work hard and have all these neurosis and they have the easy life?"

To be completely honest with you, it wasn't until recently that I slapped some sense into myself. "Who was I to think I knew about everyone's life and that I could say who deserved what?"  That wasn't something I could do. I'm just a person, same as everyone else, trying to live life as best I can.  Why should I be jealous of someone else's life?  Though it sometimes felt like people would share every intimate detail about their life, I never knew what it was like 24/7 for them.  Maybe their life was exactly how they portrayed it as. But I doubt it. 

When I take a step back and think about it, I realize that my life is pretty great.  I have a family that loves me, friends that stand by me, and horses to ride and care for. Sure, some of those people I disliked and were jealous of, may have been cheaters and users and rude to others, but I know that I can live a life that I am proud of and I can work towards making the right choices.  My anxiety tries to disagree me.  Whispering those horrible words of self denial, informing me that maybe cheating wouldn't be so bad if I got the same result as those people who's feed I would read. That it's ok sometimes, to do whatever you need to to get what you want. 

But I know differently. We're all human. There's always going to be someone who is jealous of your life. Who wants to be even slightly like you. I know my life is great. It isn't perfect by any means, but it's something I can stand by.   But I can live as someone with Faith that I love a life that I am always working towards being proud of and knowing I do what's right.   Thinking that someone may be jealous of my life and want it for their own is never something I would have said about myself. But it's time that I put my anxiety aside and I stop listening to the negative nellies in my head and I live my life for me. 

Life shouldn't be about having to cheat and scam your way to the top.  It should be about enjoying life and loving the opportunities we are given. I have stopped spending as much time on Facebook, posting less on Instagram, and following different people on Twitter. I am actively choosing to surround myself with people and social media that supports the happy and cheerful life.  The less time I spend on Facebook, the less depressed I am because I feel as if their lives are better than mine. 

It's a daily battle. I used to spend quite a bit of time on Facebook and I can recall texting Alexis when I'd see someone's status update about a new horse and how they didn't deserve that horse. But I don't think about that as much now. I try to remind myself of things in my life that I'm happy about. As much as I might think my life sucks, at that moment, I still have it pretty good and I need to acknowledge that. So I do. Sometimes, I need Alexis or Kami to help keep me on track, but I can't tell you how much happier I am no longer comparing my life to someone else's. My anxiety has to find other ways to try and ruin my day and sometimes, it doesn't work. :). I've overcome that hurdle in my life, living with my anxiety. I can't wait to see what other hurdles I can jump over. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog post. I also hope it's something you can relate too.  No one ever wants to be alone in their suffering. Haha. :p 

We'll leave you with some wise words. 

"Don't waste time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind." 

                                            -Mary Schmich

Soundtrack 

• The Man I Want To Be-  Chris Young

• Us Again- Chuck Wicks

• True Believers- Darius Rucker 

Will I Ever Be Happy With Me?

For a very long time, this was something that fueled my anxiety to the point that it became unbearable. I can't remeber a time that I've been happy with the person I am, or was, for longer than a few hours and I always... always thought because I wasn't a "Cool" person or an "insanely smart person" that people wouldn't want to be around me.  That because I wasn't happy with who I was, people would notice and shy away.  People would instead use me for their own comfort and then toss me aside when they were done. 

I can't really blame them. I never made sure to enjoy who I was or to tell myself that "making mistakes is a normal part of life". Everyone makes them. It just depends on who uses it as a lesson and moves on and who uses it as an excuse to stay down.  I would keep all my failures and mistakes on what seemed like flash cards in my brain and whenever I would do something great or start to enjoy myself, my brain would be ready with a flash card of a mistake I made or a mess I created, to remind me that I couldn't be happy. 

I have three people that have come into myself at different stages that have helped me to realize that mistakes are just that.  Mistakes. And I should use them as a stepping stone to be happier with who I've become. My crazy partner in crime from Nebraska, my ex boyfriend, and the other half of shenanigans and adventures are the people that I have learned from and continue to learn from. 

Being happy about who I am isn't just about everything nice done right or how few mistakes I've made. It's about trying to live the best that I can and to accept the mistakes and learn from them and then to power onward. Being happy about who I am is about not reading deeper into what my brain says about me. Or taking what other people say about me and maximizing it. 

I needed to realize that I have something to offer this world and the people in it and I have a purpose here on this Earth. Granted, I have no idea what those things are yet, but they're there. I can be proud of who I am. And I need to strive to continue making choices that help me be proud of myself. If I am an overall happy person, reason would allow that I should be happy with myself too. It's not an easy journey, but I'm working on it. 

One of my first steps is crossing something off my list of things I've always wanted to do. I did some crossfit with Blade, but we had never had the chance to join an actual Crossfit Box. Guess what. I've joined a Crossfit box! Yayyyy! Dance party timeeeeee. Yes. It's scary. But it's also so worth it. This is something I'm going to conquer and I will start to believe that I'm stronger because I will be.  It will be an interesting journey, but it will be fun and I can't wait to share. :)

I hope you've enjoyed today's post. Let us leave you with some wise words. 

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."  

                                      -Hebrews 12:11

Soundtrack. 

• Drunk On A Plane- Dierks Bentley

• Drink To That All- Jerrod Neimann

• Little Red Rodeo- Colin Raye

The Dance

"I am glad I didn't know the way it all would end,

the way it all would go.

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I would have had to miss the dance."

Every now and then, I bring out my old iPod, from way back in the day, and the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, plays out of my speakers.  I always turn it up because it is one of my all-time favorite songs.  Recently, this song takes on a new meaning for a few things in my life, or maybe even my entire life.  If we were to really know exactly how it would all go, exactly how it would all end, we would change everything!  We would change the ending.  However, how can I experience all of what God has planned for my life if I know how it all would end?

For the longest time, I would hear this song and tears would stream out as I mumbled the words.  I think about Danny, I think about how she was such a big part of my life and how she gave me the gift of love, friendship, family, trust, and freedom.  My childhood was not the perfect story of a loving family,  a spoiled child who had everything.  I may not have been the girl who always got a pony for Christmas, but we must always remember that things are not always as they seem.  My childhood was different than most, I spent a long time trying to fix my past.  I'm slowly learning to let it go. Let it go and let God.  Sometimes we aren't given a great hand of cards and sometimes we have to leave home to figure out who we are.  Danny was my home for a long time and she was what made life real.  She was who I always wanted to be and she was the one who always loved me no matter what.  When Danny was called home, I became homeless and I lost myself, my life.  But I have to remember that sometimes, leaving home is one of the greatest gifts in life.

When I hear this song, I flicker back and forth between memories and reality.  I think about if I knew that she would pass on abruptly, stopping my entire world, would I have given up all those memories?  For a while, the answer was a resounding yes.  Yes, I would have don't anything to stop my heart from hurting. I hated this song.  I would punch the button and shout "NEXT" and change the song with such force that I am surprised the clicker on the iPod still works.  Over time, I have slowly accepted her as part of my life, as  apart of me, as a part of who I am and who I once was.  "For a moment all the world was right, how could I have known you would ever have to say goodbye."  I am glad I didn't know how it would all end because I would have never given my heart so freely to something and allowed it to change my life and who I am forever.  Those memories are still painful, but those memories are a part of who I am.  At one time, I wanted so desperately to just be disposed of it, dispose of who I was to replace it with something that didn't have to hurt so bad.  But I have to remember how great a love it was to have, that it hurts so badly now.  I know I was living then because I have hundreds upon thousands of memories with Danny.  Some of them, I am not ready to bring up and others flow in and out of my heart like and ocean tide.  They serve as a faint reminder that she may only be a humming bird gracing the wind, but I am still here with all that was her.  I must remember to live life to the fullest and not drift from what has made me who I am today.

Yes, my life is better left to chance.  I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance.  I hope you enjoy reading this little  sneak peek into my life and memories.  Life isn't always easy, but it's always worth the dance.

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"It's possible to go on, no matter who impossible it seems."

- Nicholas Sparks   

Soundtrack

• Crazy Town- Jason Aldean 
• Young Love(Strong Love)- The Judds
•  Let It Go- Tim McGraw 

Anxiety is a Rough Mistress

I tried scouring the interwebs for something that so perfectly described how life with anxiety is for me.  I can't even tell you how long I was looking before this perfect gif came up.  The words, her face, everything about it is so familiar to me, I feel like I'm home.  This is something I understand so perfectly, that I'm calm.  Living with anxiety, every day is something different.  Granted, sometimes they just run together that they all seem to be the same, but they aren't.  It's never perfect, for people with anxiety, as it seems like it can be for others who live lives fun and fancy free. The only way to survive it is to do the best you can each and every day.  Some of those days are beautiful and wonderful and you think that if every day was like this one, that maybe, just maybe, you'd be closer to being normal and you would have that dark cloud of anxiety hovering over you.  Then other days?  Yeah.  They're the pits.  

When it comes to me, my highs are really, really high.  But those darn stinkin' lows drag me down until I'm hopeless and I don't know what to do, or if I even want to try to fix it.  It's a scary place to be, especially when you're lost like me.  I don't want you to read into what I just typed as my mind and life is a depressing suck hole where I wish my life was akin to a horror movie, because it's not.  But I'm at a place where the anxiety has taken over and I'm doing the best I can to continue on, but I don't know how.  There, I said it. I don't know how to keep going.  I am at a loss and I don't know how to live life with anxiety as an equal partner rather than a domineering voice.  Nobody in my family really knows.  If any of us have anxiety, we either don't know that's what it is, or we stuff it under the pillows and promptly try to forget about it.  After all, everyone gets stressed, right?  It's just the pressure from the stress.  Everything would work itself out eventually.  

For a while, that worked for me.  The problems I had relating to my anxiety were pretty concentrated, and I was able to push them to the side.  I wish it had continued on like that forever.  Hah.  If only, right?  Eventually, you get to a point in your life, where the anxiety spreads like wildfire, from the small part of your life to every part the flame has a chance to flicker to.  You're caught in the crosshairs and I know from my experience, I was frozen, just watching it take over my life.  I never really realized how much of an issue I had in social situations until my relationship with Blade.  I never had to think about it for more than a few moments because I was able to stay away from the situations I didn't want to go to and I could stay secluded in my own little world.  Then everything changed and my eyes were opened.

When it came to Blade and I's relationship, I was supportive of him to a fault.  I realize now that it was out of fear and anxiety as well as love and character.  I let my anxiety tell me that it was more important to support him and the things he loved to do all the time and to push ideas of what I wanted every once in a while down, because my feelings weren't important.  He had never said that to me.  In fact, he was always trying to get me to tell him what we should do or trying to have me make the decision of what we would do that date night.  But I could never commit because I always had stupid little voice in my head.  The voice that said my ideas were stupid and he wouldn't want to do that, or that his ideas were more important because I needed to make sure that I kept him happy so our relationship wouldn't end.   My anxiety kept telling me that if I could just keep him happy and keep myself in the shadows, everything would be ok. 

I wish I had listened to common sense instead of the sneaky little twit that resides in the deep recesses of my brain.  But it's so hard. It's so, so hard.  Sure, people like me can be strong or independent, but when anxiety has a talon in your consciousness  and is there for every waking moment, the game changes.  The things people say or do to you stay with you.  The looks hurt and the words hurt even more and before you know it, you turn into a shell of your former self because you start to believe the things people would tell you.  That voice in your head can be so persuasive and it starts to repeat the things it hears, like a parrot on your shoulder.  Whether it's people you know or people you've never met, they affect you the same if you hear it enough.  The days turn into weeks and the weeks into months and suddenly you're just a broken version of you, lost and confused.  

That's where I was when I met Blade, and I wish I could say I was healed and am better now, but I'm not.  Blade tried to help me, tried to get me to see that I was better than what people had said of me in the past.  That maybe they had mattered when I was alone, but now I was with someone who loved me for me, who saw the good things and the bad and still wanted to be with me.  That I was with someone who trusted in God and looked to him for guidance.  With someone who didn't think I was broken, just a little scratched.   He tried so hard and he was with me every step of the way.  But after a while, even after trying so hard, there's nothing left you can do.  Anxiety is rough on you and it's rough on those who love you. I resisted quite a bit because I was scared.  I was scared of trying something new because I thought if I did it wrong,  he would leave, because that's how my friends were in the past.  He told me over and over the outcome wasn't the important part, that the attempt to try was. 

 I trusted him more than anyone else in my life but I didn't trust him enough.  I didn't want him to see inside my head because I was ashamed of how my mind worked.  The things I couldn't stop thinking about on repeat.  He wasn't perfect.  None of us are.  But he is so much stronger , mentally, than I am and I didn't want him to see me as a failure.  That was the biggest fear I had.  I didn't want him to see the things I was afraid of because I thought it would make him love me less, that suddenly he'd realize what kind of girlfriend I was and that he didn't want any part of it anymore. So I kept the biggest things back.  Even when he would open up and talk to me about his fears and his feelings and his struggles.  I turned our relationship into a one sided, support system and it just didn't work anymore. 

I let myself dream and wish for future plans with our relationship.  Marriage, a family, building a life together, but I wasn't able to put all of myself on the table .  I was too scared to trust him with my issues and my anxiety.  Now, I look back and I tell myself, "I should have just done this..." or "If only I would have opened up that one time he asked..." but I could do that all day.  Talking to him after we broke up, a lot more things came out into the open. I remember him saying that he didn't understand my anxiety issues, how they worked or why they were so bad, but he knew that I needed time to figure out who I was as me.  I had spent all of my life altering the way I lived to fit with someone who was close to me.  I didn't know who Jess was and frankly, I still don't.  But I'm getting closer every day, and I have him to thank for that.  That was one of the hardest days of my life, but sometimes you just need a sudden jolt, a wake up call, to start living again.  But this time, to start living for you.  

But don't get me wrong.  I am not saying to go and become a selfish version of you.  Always doing things you want to do and never supporting anyone else in your life, because that is not what I was implying.  Take time to figure out who you are.  What makes you happy?  Who makes your day brighter?  Do things that enlighten your daily life, but also support those who you love.  Anxiety, when left unchecked, runs rampant and destroys everything in it's path because it's allowed to.  I learned my lesson, at a very great expense, and now, I need to learn how to control it.  How to live a normal life with it.  I know it's not going to be easy.  Heck.  Life is rarely easy for people with anxiety.  But the best thing we can do is try our best to make it through.  Some days are going to be easy and some days...they're going to be really rough, I'm not going to lie to you.  But know what makes you happy, so you can take a break from anxiety and it's clutches, and you can spend some time for you.  Surround yourself with people who love you and truly care for you.  I am extremely lucky to still have Blade as a support system, as well as my bestest friend in Nebraska, my family, and my bestest friend Alexis.  I can't do it alone.  I learned that.  But now I have a network of people who can help me... I'm hoping to start going to therapy to learn better ways of coping. Also, to learn how to talk about the issues in my head.  Anxiety is not something that should cause embarrassment, but it does.  All the time.  I need to be a stronger person and I have to ask for help.  We'll see how it goes.  I have some high hopes. :)

I hope you enjoyed reading this and can relate.  Life isn't easy all the time. But it's worth growing and learning and having certain people in your life who help you realize that you aren't as damaged as you might have thought.  If you ever need anyone to talk to, we are both always here.  Hope the rest of your week is going splendidly!

We'll leave you with some wise words.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Soundtrack

• Too Much Fun- Daryle Singletary
• Don't Take The Girl- Tim McGraw
• Whiskey's Gone- Zac Brown Band

Standing On The Cliff, Debating To Jump. Part 1

I am going to open myself up to the world of online judgment. This blog post is about online dating and my internal war; to online date or not to online date. About a year ago, I had a stint  with online dating that was only a few months.  I was highly unsuccessful. (you're judging and I know it). Those damn commercials for Match.com and eHarmony are so amazing.  They show cute couples who end up together… Okay, yeah they probably paid them to be married and they only pick the beautiful ones. So I am here debating, after a year, should I try online dating again and take a risk, or should I continue on my merry way, hoping one day someone will cross my  path and change everything. Here is the moment where you would insert every cliche thing you know. “There is someone for everyone” , yeah ok, total bullshit I say to that. Or “when you stop looking you will find someone”.  I find that to be horse shit too, because if I am not looking, how can I find someone? I can’t find my car keys if I am not looking for them…… just saying 

Okay, so now that you have spent the last two minutes judging me for online dating, lets que to the  statistics.  More than 40% of people meet their partner online now days. You stand a 3x greater chance at meeting someone online vs not at all. Plus, 2/5 couples are from online dating. That appears to be pretty good odds….  Here's a nifty little table for you. 

Total eHarmony members	15,500,000
Total Match.com members	21,575,000

Average length of courtship for marriages that met online	18.5 Months
Average length of courtship for marriages that met offline	42 Months

Anyways now that you have some information, let's here my story.  Then you can help me decide if I should jump off the dating cliff or continue to stand at the ledge, hating every couple at the grocery store.  Wait, let's be honest. I pretty much hate all happy couples as of recently….. 

Anywho… back to me. I have been doing my own thing for a few years now and have not dated seriously other than that stint on a few dating sites that were not as successful as those commercials make it out to be. So, I have been contemplating.  Should I do this again?   Let me give you a little history about myself.  I have a career  and  I work for a local utility company, running a program for the entire company.  It's a big job for one person. I own my house and have 4 dogs, several chickens, and two horses. If that wasn’t enough, I work out 5 days a week at a cross fit gym and I am currently working on finishing my MBA. I don’t have a lot of time or motivation to go out to a bar.. Que statistics… only 9% of people ever meet someone in a bar… I blame the beer. All of the dudes at church are too young, too old, or the just right ones are married… Initiate old maid dance sequence here. So I have thought well, when the right person comes along, we will cross paths and bam it will all work out… JOKE'S ON ME! No one talks to you at the grocery store.  If I go horseback riding, it's with women.  I go dancing, it's mostly women and older couples, and any of my other hobbies are pretty much with women. This is where the great option of online dating comes in.  I have begun to research and troll the sites to see what kind of people are out there. I have found a good mix, then there are some scary ones. Jess and I actually troll the sites and take pix and send them to each other of the guys who are just well… I am not sure how they thought posting some of these pix are okay, i.e. a guy posted one of him peeing….. Needless to say, I am very skeptical to take this jump again into the online dating world. I won’t keep all of you readers busy with my ramblings… I need some food and a good girl text chat with Jess to discuss my recent findings of winners and I will be back for The cliff jumping action part two. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog post.  Can't wait for part two!  

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women."

- Natalie Portman    

Soundtrack

• Love A Little Stronger- Diamond Rio
• You Lie- The Band Perry
•  If I Didn't Have You- Thompson Square

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Every once in a while, I let my mouth run and I don't stop to think of the repercussions.  Granted, this doesn't happen very often, it's few and far between, but when it does happen, it's huge.  I have always been a passionate person when it comes to the things I feel and believe.  Whether the topic is horses or my friends and family, or agriculture, I stand by what I believe and there's a reason I feel that way.  Now, I don't speak up very often.  I have anxieties about that.  Saying what is on my mind? Yiiiikes.  No, thank you.  I'll sit idly by, watch everyone else converse about their beliefs, and run a never ending stream of commentary in my head.  That's my comfort zone and boy, do I love it.

I have spoken up once or twice, and people go bananas.  "What's this?  You actually have thoughts of your own on this subject?" or "So did you just come up with that because we said the opposite?". Yeah, I don't even know.  Are they even listening to what is coming out of their mouths? Because it sounds ridiculous.  That's when I remember why I kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself.   They aren't worth me stepping out of my comfort zone.  

But that got me to thinking.  When would it be worth me actually saying what was on my mind?  When would I feel comfortable enough around anyone to actually say what I believed and felt?  As of yet, I had been shot down, ridiculed, and even told how stupid what I had said was.  I believed them for a while.  Yeah, what I was thinking was dumb.  Why was I so stupid to let it slip out? Would I ever do that again?  Heck NO, I wouldn't be.  Lesson learned.  But there comes a time when just sitting back and listening gets old.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I stopped hanging out with people I disagreed with, because I knew I wouldn't enjoy myself in any way.  I avoided conversations at work or school, because avoidence (in my mind at the time) was the answer.  It was easier to stay to myself and be the quiet person who arrives right on time and leaves as soon as she's able, than to participate and make friends and actually live a life. 

Enter UNL.  Sometimes, all one needs is a change of scenery and good, old fashioned agriculture.  I met a life changing friend at UNL, who is still in my life to this day.  She was the first to show me what a strong, opinionated, and successful woman could be.  Thanks to the ever horrible first day 'ice breakers' that I can never seem to escape, we became fast friends and it's been a friendship that has lasted through several UNL Ag classes, Dairy Store runs, Cross country moves, Cattle gate trippin hazards, and even a wedding. Yet, she's never faltered in knowing what she wants or how to get it.  Saying what's on her mind and meaning what she says.  During my short...'stint' at UNL, we started a blog, and I finally had a chance to talk about what was going on in my mind.  Granted, the blog was anonymous, but it was still our feelings and thoughts and for once, people listened.  Our blog was relatively popular and it helped my self confidence grow and it brought me to where I was a few months ago.  I am so glad I am still able to draw on my friend's strength and confidence when needed.  Between her and Alexis, I'm set for life. :) 

Alexis and I have been friends for a while, but never as close as we are now.  We are completely truthful to each other, support each other in life, and honestly care about how we are doing in life.  It's tough going through life with anxiety problems, especially when life decides it wants to throw curve balls at you, coming from every direction.  Alexis and I have always made it a point to make sure we knew we could be completely and brutally honest with each other.  Just stop and re-read that sentence again.  Did you inwardly cringe?  Because I know I did.  Completely and brutally honest.  That's pretty damn honest. That's saying that we had the right and the ability to say exactly what was on our mind, no holds barred.  Let me tell you, I took that and I ran with it.  If I ever felt or thought something, I said it and after a while, I almost think I might have stopped paying attention to how it might have made Alexis feel.   We had said we could be honest, so why should I hold back?  Because there is such a thing as tact.  I should take a minute to think about what I'm going to say instead of just bursting in there willy nilly and going to town.  It hasn't broken our friendship yet.  In fact, I would say it's made it stronger.  I tend to go on a rampage to Alexis and she dishes it right back .  I can't even tell you how refreshing it is.  We never say anything that's hateful or mean, because we don't see each other that way.  But I know I try to be supportive and if I think something could be wrong, I say something about it.  I know Alexis will listen and I know she knows that I only have her best interest at heart.  I don't ever want to go so far as to sound like a parental figure or someone who is reprimanding.  But damn, once I get started? I find it hard to quit!  I kept it in for so long, all I want to do now is let it go!(<<<---- alexis="" font="" frozen="" look="" nbsp="" reference="">

I'm blessed, lucky, and amazed I have two friends I can be honest with and trust them to be honest back to me.  The truth can hurt, but I'd rather have someone I trust, than someone I can't.  I hope you enjoyed reading this.  It was kind of a tornado.  So if you have to stop reading after a few sentences, that's ok.  Even though, if you do that, you won't ever make it down to here.  XD  

We'll leave you with some wise words.

“When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.” 
                       

-Shannon L. Alder

Soundtrack

• Beer Money-  Kip Moore
• Ol' Red- Blake Shelton 
• John Deere Green- Joe Diffie 

Talkative Tuesday 5

Talkative Tuesday 5

What are things you are afraid of?


Oh man.  Just seeing this question has started my anxiety going and my mind to think of everything I haven't done.  An easier list would be 'What are things I am NOT afraid of."  But, sadly, that's not the question for today.  What are things you are afraid of?  Inhale deep breath, wait a moment and exhale slowly.  You can do this, Jess.  It's not so hard. Just type a few things that go bump in the night and are creepy crawly.  There. Done, right?  WRONG. That's not what this blog is about and it's not what Talkative Tuesdays are all about.  Well, yeah.  We want Talkative Tuesdays to be a way for you to get to know us, but also it's a way for us to get to know ourselves.  Sometimes the questions might be easy and seem silly.  But then we get questions like these.  They aren't so easy or silly.

When I was younger, I was always proud of myself that I wasn't scared of very much.  Bugs didn't bother me, heights were something to be proud of, and the deep end of the swimming pool held mysteries and stories to be uncovered.  Then came getting older and experiencing 'real life' instead of the sheltered world I grew up in.  I can't say I was prepared for it.  Life crashed into me like a wave crashing into the rocky, scraggly, cliffs in an ocean storm.  Needless to say, I did not survive like the cliffs do and was a point, worse for wear.  I had never figured that fear could be about something that wasn't physical or right there in front of you.  But it can be.  Fear isn't always something that is tangible or palpable.  Sometimes, it is what is burrowing it's way deep into your mind and staying there, ready at the slightest moment, to be the one thing you can't stop thinking about.  I have known people that say that fear is only fear if it's something you can overcome physically.  Mental fear doesn't exist. I can't agree with that.  Fear does not mean the same thing to everyone.

Sure, I have physical and tangible fears.  But I also have fears that reside in my mind and wreak havoc on my life and feed my anxiety. Physical fears?  Roaches.  Digusting creatures that can live even after they've been squished, sprayed, or eaten by chickens. ALSO, they can fly! WHAT THE HECK! That is so not even fair.  Mental fears? That list can go on and on.  I have fears about talking on the phone to people I don't know.  What if they think I sound funny?  What if I don't respond right away and they think I don't care?  What if my mental dyslexia kicks in and I mess up what I'm saying?  Then they'll think I'm an idiot.  Sure, they can't see me, but that doesn't mean that I'm not cringing and possibly blushing.  Going up to someone I don't know and asking for something or if it's free? Fuggadaboutit.  My heart starts to race, my hands start to shake, and I start to shake my head.  Even writing about it now is bringing that up.  Sure, they see tons of people all day, but I'll be the one they remember.  That idiot who asked if something was free.  Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Sadly, the amount of stupidity it holds doesn't lessen the amount of fear it strikes in my head.

Other things I'm afraid of? Talking to guys, going for an oil change, ordering coffee at Starbuck's, people begging for money on the side of the road, the kiosks in the mall with the people who try to grab you as you walk by for a sample, clothes shopping, getting a manicure, people touching me, setting up my Etsy Store, traveling alone, and going to the gym.  Believe me.  This isn't the entire list, but we would be here forever.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

It's quite the list of mental blocks and fears, but they are all fears that I am working on overcoming.  They can't all be tackled in one day, but I can work on them, one at a time, until I am able to control them and do these activities in a normal way.   It won't be easy, but man, will it be worth it.

-Jess

"Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins."

-Charles Stanley

Soundtrack

• Always The Love Songs-  Eli Young Band
•  As She's Walking Away- Zac Brown Band (feat. Alan Jackson)
•  We Go Together- John Travolta and Oliva Newton-John

I Choose To Stand By Me

Here I am sitting here, another day, another incident, another time that I find myself judged and trying to explain myself. Constantly we, as humans, are judged. "Oh, she's fat." or "Oh, she's fit." , we are judged both ways. We are told what perfection is and how to or not to achieve it. But when it comes to our own lives, why is it that we are constantly judged for every one of our decisions, no matter how right or wrong they really are? 

I choose-what brutal thing to do in life.

I choose to be fit. With that choice, I get it both ways. I am either not fit enough, or I get "You are so skinny why do you bother?". Why is this a constant question or debate? I choose to be fit for me, so why not be happy for me? It isn't hurting you.  You should either choose to be happy for me, as long as it is good for me and not harming, hurting, or endangering anyone or thing, or not concern yourself with my decisions. I never asked for your approval.

Recently I have been going through a difficult time with my horse.  He has sustained a long list of injuries in the recent months and I chose to get an MRI.  I can't even begin to tell you how I am judged both ways. It's either been people telling me 'it's excessive' or ' you're really not doing enough for him!'.  I followed through and got the MRI because it was my decision and I felt it was necessary. Many people were happy we could finally know what's going on with Kiss. Others thought it was excessive, that it was too much. But again, I sit here and ponder.  Why do I feel like I went to a party naked?  Why am I owning up to those who think I am wrong and not to those who think I am right? 

I texted Jess about a particular incident where someone had questioned my decisions for Kiss to a point that was down right mean. Who are they to decide if I am being right or wrong. To decide if I'm  doing good for him or bad? It's between me, God, and the vet. If God enables me to pay for his procedures, allows insurance to cover them, and the vet feels they are in his best interest, then I am going to proceed. I no longer want to own up to anyone other then my supporters. It has been a long time coming and I should no longer be hostage to those who can't support my choices. Especially when the decisions are good, make me happy, or are going to help something or someone I love. This is my life, not theirs.

With that I am to continuing to choose.  For too long I have been to afraid to stand by my choices. However, having been blessed with a friend whom has changed the tides of my life forever, I am starting to find an anchor in who I am and what I choose. Thank you Jess, for being a part of this gift of God, the opportunity to change my life. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this.  Both Jess and I have had some struggles with this, so I know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and deciding.  Please let us know if you have ever had to make a decision like this and how you went through with it.

-Alexis  

We'll leave you with some wise words.

“Sometimes, making the wrong choice is better than making no choice. You have the courage to go forward, that is rare. A person who stands at the fork, unable to pick, will never get anywhere.” 

- Terry Goodkind

Soundtrack

• I Like It, I Love It- Tim McGraw
• Drink, Swear, Steal, & Lie- Michael Peterson 
• Muckalee Creek Water- Luke Bryan 

One Step At A Time

Just a couple of days ago, I said to Jess "We should post less easy questions and write about what is real in our lives. We need to write about our struggles. People have the same fears and we should put ourselves out there." and now as I sit here, I have to eat my words and own up to my own suggestion.  I am realizing what has held Jess back for so long.  What if I'm rejected? What if I sound crazy? What if my posts or this blog is a total failure?   Cue the self talk.  "You can do this, don't worry or care about what anyone else thinks. This blog is for you guys."  Of course, directly following that is the "You're soooooooooo stupid for suggesting this."

I must own up to my actions; say what I mean and mean what I say.  I have never been one to say one thing and then do another.  Yet I know many people, and even have a friend or two, who are notorious for doing just that.  They say one thing and the next thing you know, they're doing something else.  It. Drives. Me. BONKERS! So here I am, faced with having to write something.  Something of value and something I struggle with.  So, with out further ado, I'll step to the ledge.  Here goes nothing!  I'm gonna JUMP!

More recently than not, I have decided that I need to start standing up for myself.  Contrary to popular belief, this has been a fight of epic proportions.  I even had a Talkative Tuesday  response about it.  Okay, I can see you now.  You're saying 'Alex, you're being dramatic.'  Yes.  Yes, as a matter a fact I am.  But that doesn't make it any less real or any less me.  Growing up, I was the kid who just did my own thing.  I wasn't popular, but I didn't care. I had horses and all of my horse friends in 4-H.  I lived for and counted down the hours until the time after school and I lived for the weekends.  Those times were spent at horse shows, on the back of a horse, and with my "cool" friends.  We were all crazy, had ratted hair, and backyard horses our parents stuck us on to learn to ride, and that meant you learned how to lose classes.  Us "cool" kids did not have the fancy clothes or the expensive trailers and horses to match.  We made do with what we had and we banded together because we didn't care.  We had one thing the rich kids didn't.  We loved our horses and we loved each other.  I have made and kept more friends from my horse years than I could ever count.  Jess being one of them.

Jess and I have always had our separate paths we followed, yet we never lost contact.  We have always been friends and we will always be the 'cool' kids.  We never got caught up in the drama, we did our own thing, and we kept to ourselves and our kind.  Until recently, when the stars aligned and God intervened, pushing our paths to merge.  Jess and I both struggle with standing up for ourselves, we both fear failure and irrational things, and we both have hang-ups with our anxiety.  However, we decided to take life into our own hands.  We decided that we were no longer going to quit life.  We are going to live it abundantly and we are going to reclaim our 'cool' kid status.  Standing up for ourselves is on our 'To-Do List Before We Die' and we will conquer it.

Jess and I both despise confrontation;  we would rather agree and suck it up than fight for ourselves.  We end up getting mad and venting to each other about not being able to 'just say no'.  Nevertheless, things are about to chance.  I know for me, at least, I am gaining that confidence needed to stand up to someone and not worry about what may or may not happen or what the outcome may be.  I am so tired.  No, scratch that. Exhuasted. I am so exhausted from hating the those internal feelings I get after I just agree to someone else's plan for me, to what someone else wants and causes me to jeopardize what I stand for, or to affect what I want or know is the right thing.  I just agree, instead of attempting to compromise or even initiate the compromise.  Let me tell you.  The tides are changing.  

I have a friend, who can be pushy, bossy, controlling, and manipulative.  Now, I'm not going to say names or anything that may hint to this person's identity, the story is the important part. I know you are asking yourself 'Why is this person her friend? What is wrong with you Alex, that you would keep this type of person in your life?'.  Okay, so here is my quick and dirty explanation.  They were not always this bossy, controlling, manipulative person.  It's taken a change of recent events in their life for them to morph into this new person.  This person was fun, friendly, and most importantly, they cared.  But something changed.  I took a break from this person's life and I stepped back for a bit, giving us some breathing room. Then, I gave them a second chance.  It seemed like they had reverted back to their old ways of being a caring and fun friend, but then the other side came out, especially when they wanted me to agree with them.  This person loves to tell me what to do with MY LIFE and instruct me on how  to live.  Recently in my life, a major even took place that has changed most things for me.  This friend felt it was their job and duty to consistently dictate to me what I should do in my life.  They would tell me how I was doing everything wrong, and if I wanted a better life, I should just do everything the way they did.  I would just ignore it. Their advice and constant badgering caused a lot of stress, internal tension, and major anxiety in my life.  It got to the point where I was wondering if they were going to bring up what they wanted me to change or get rid of every time they texted me.  

Of course, this went on for weeks because, as I've said before, I avoid confrontation like a child avoids green beans on their dinner plate.  I will do everything in my power but acknowledge the confrontation is there.  But eventually, the proverbial straw comes along and breaks that poor camel's back.  This person finally confronted me again about this life change they thought was best for me and I found that I had finally had enough.  Jess and I had talked about it A LOT and I was done!  I am sure Jess was sick of hearing about, but she still offered me more advice than one would know what to do with.  Luckily for me, it all came together.  I no longer wanted to hear what this person had to say.  I no longer wanted their advice.  The next time they texted me, confronting me, I confronted them right back.   Needless to say, this person was not expecting that reaction.  I was an easy target, a person they could bully to make themselves feel better, but when I fought back, they didn't know what to say or do.  They just responded with 'Ok. I have to go' and the conversation ended.  Before I had felt like I had enough, I would apologize and try to explain myself, but this time, I just...LET IT GO.  I have realized it's not my job to take on their feelings.  It's my job to take care of my own.  This is not the end of my epic internal battle, but I have finally taken the time to put on the armor needed and I am ready for the next battle.  They always say the first step is the hardest....  Man, are they right.  

-Alexis

I hope you enjoyed this post.  It was difficult for me to write, but I am so proud of myself for taking a step in the right direction. This might seem like a small step to any of our readers, but it is a HUGE step for me.  We hope, if any of you are having issues similar to this, always know that we are here and we love to listen.

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have."

                                                                                           -Norman Vincent Peale

Soundtrack

• Your Man- Josh Turner
•  Check Yes Or No- George Strait
•  Sober- Little Big Town