I have spoken up once or twice, and people go bananas. "What's this? You actually have thoughts of your own on this subject?" or "So did you just come up with that because we said the opposite?". Yeah, I don't even know. Are they even listening to what is coming out of their mouths? Because it sounds ridiculous. That's when I remember why I kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself. They aren't worth me stepping out of my comfort zone.
But that got me to thinking. When would it be worth me actually saying what was on my mind? When would I feel comfortable enough around anyone to actually say what I believed and felt? As of yet, I had been shot down, ridiculed, and even told how stupid what I had said was. I believed them for a while. Yeah, what I was thinking was dumb. Why was I so stupid to let it slip out? Would I ever do that again? Heck NO, I wouldn't be. Lesson learned. But there comes a time when just sitting back and listening gets old. I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped hanging out with people I disagreed with, because I knew I wouldn't enjoy myself in any way. I avoided conversations at work or school, because avoidence (in my mind at the time) was the answer. It was easier to stay to myself and be the quiet person who arrives right on time and leaves as soon as she's able, than to participate and make friends and actually live a life.
Enter UNL. Sometimes, all one needs is a change of scenery and good, old fashioned agriculture. I met a life changing friend at UNL, who is still in my life to this day. She was the first to show me what a strong, opinionated, and successful woman could be. Thanks to the ever horrible first day 'ice breakers' that I can never seem to escape, we became fast friends and it's been a friendship that has lasted through several UNL Ag classes, Dairy Store runs, Cross country moves, Cattle gate trippin hazards, and even a wedding. Yet, she's never faltered in knowing what she wants or how to get it. Saying what's on her mind and meaning what she says. During my short...'stint' at UNL, we started a blog, and I finally had a chance to talk about what was going on in my mind. Granted, the blog was anonymous, but it was still our feelings and thoughts and for once, people listened. Our blog was relatively popular and it helped my self confidence grow and it brought me to where I was a few months ago. I am so glad I am still able to draw on my friend's strength and confidence when needed. Between her and Alexis, I'm set for life. :)
Alexis and I have been friends for a while, but never as close as we are now. We are completely truthful to each other, support each other in life, and honestly care about how we are doing in life. It's tough going through life with anxiety problems, especially when life decides it wants to throw curve balls at you, coming from every direction. Alexis and I have always made it a point to make sure we knew we could be completely and brutally honest with each other. Just stop and re-read that sentence again. Did you inwardly cringe? Because I know I did. Completely and brutally honest. That's pretty damn honest. That's saying that we had the right and the ability to say exactly what was on our mind, no holds barred. Let me tell you, I took that and I ran with it. If I ever felt or thought something, I said it and after a while, I almost think I might have stopped paying attention to how it might have made Alexis feel. We had said we could be honest, so why should I hold back? Because there is such a thing as tact. I should take a minute to think about what I'm going to say instead of just bursting in there willy nilly and going to town. It hasn't broken our friendship yet. In fact, I would say it's made it stronger. I tend to go on a rampage to Alexis and she dishes it right back . I can't even tell you how refreshing it is. We never say anything that's hateful or mean, because we don't see each other that way. But I know I try to be supportive and if I think something could be wrong, I say something about it. I know Alexis will listen and I know she knows that I only have her best interest at heart. I don't ever want to go so far as to sound like a parental figure or someone who is reprimanding. But damn, once I get started? I find it hard to quit! I kept it in for so long, all I want to do now is let it go!(<<<---- alexis="" font="" frozen="" look="" nbsp="" reference="">
I'm blessed, lucky, and amazed I have two friends I can be honest with and trust them to be honest back to me. The truth can hurt, but I'd rather have someone I trust, than someone I can't. I hope you enjoyed reading this. It was kind of a tornado. So if you have to stop reading after a few sentences, that's ok. Even though, if you do that, you won't ever make it down to here. XD
We'll leave you with some wise words.
“When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.”
-Shannon L. Alder
Soundtrack
- Beer Money- Kip Moore
- Ol' Red- Blake Shelton
- John Deere Green- Joe Diffie
