Every once in a while, I let my mouth run and I don't stop to think of the repercussions. Granted, this doesn't happen very often, it's few and far between, but when it does happen, it's huge. I have always been a passionate person when it comes to the things I feel and believe. Whether the topic is horses or my friends and family, or agriculture, I stand by what I believe and there's a reason I feel that way. Now, I don't speak up very often. I have anxieties about that. Saying what is on my mind? Yiiiikes. No, thank you. I'll sit idly by, watch everyone else converse about their beliefs, and run a never ending stream of commentary in my head. That's my comfort zone and boy, do I love it.
I have spoken up once or twice, and people go bananas. "What's this? You actually have thoughts of your own on this subject?" or "So did you just come up with that because we said the opposite?". Yeah, I don't even know. Are they even listening to what is coming out of their mouths? Because it sounds ridiculous. That's when I remember why I kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself. They aren't worth me stepping out of my comfort zone.
But that got me to thinking. When would it be worth me actually saying what was on my mind? When would I feel comfortable enough around anyone to actually say what I believed and felt? As of yet, I had been shot down, ridiculed, and even told how stupid what I had said was. I believed them for a while. Yeah, what I was thinking was dumb. Why was I so stupid to let it slip out? Would I ever do that again? Heck NO, I wouldn't be. Lesson learned. But there comes a time when just sitting back and listening gets old. I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped hanging out with people I disagreed with, because I knew I wouldn't enjoy myself in any way. I avoided conversations at work or school, because avoidence (in my mind at the time) was the answer. It was easier to stay to myself and be the quiet person who arrives right on time and leaves as soon as she's able, than to participate and make friends and actually live a life.
Enter UNL. Sometimes, all one needs is a change of scenery and good, old fashioned agriculture. I met a life changing friend at UNL, who is still in my life to this day. She was the first to show me what a strong, opinionated, and successful woman could be. Thanks to the ever horrible first day 'ice breakers' that I can never seem to escape, we became fast friends and it's been a friendship that has lasted through several UNL Ag classes, Dairy Store runs, Cross country moves, Cattle gate trippin hazards, and even a wedding. Yet, she's never faltered in knowing what she wants or how to get it. Saying what's on her mind and meaning what she says. During my short...'stint' at UNL, we started a blog, and I finally had a chance to talk about what was going on in my mind. Granted, the blog was anonymous, but it was still our feelings and thoughts and for once, people listened. Our blog was relatively popular and it helped my self confidence grow and it brought me to where I was a few months ago. I am so glad I am still able to draw on my friend's strength and confidence when needed. Between her and Alexis, I'm set for life. :)
Alexis and I have been friends for a while, but never as close as we are now. We are completely truthful to each other, support each other in life, and honestly care about how we are doing in life. It's tough going through life with anxiety problems, especially when life decides it wants to throw curve balls at you, coming from every direction. Alexis and I have always made it a point to make sure we knew we could be completely and brutally honest with each other. Just stop and re-read that sentence again. Did you inwardly cringe? Because I know I did. Completely and brutally honest. That's pretty damn honest. That's saying that we had the right and the ability to say exactly what was on our mind, no holds barred. Let me tell you, I took that and I ran with it. If I ever felt or thought something, I said it and after a while, I almost think I might have stopped paying attention to how it might have made Alexis feel. We had said we could be honest, so why should I hold back? Because there is such a thing as tact. I should take a minute to think about what I'm going to say instead of just bursting in there willy nilly and going to town. It hasn't broken our friendship yet. In fact, I would say it's made it stronger. I tend to go on a rampage to Alexis and she dishes it right back . I can't even tell you how refreshing it is. We never say anything that's hateful or mean, because we don't see each other that way. But I know I try to be supportive and if I think something could be wrong, I say something about it. I know Alexis will listen and I know she knows that I only have her best interest at heart. I don't ever want to go so far as to sound like a parental figure or someone who is reprimanding. But damn, once I get started? I find it hard to quit! I kept it in for so long, all I want to do now is let it go!(<<<---- alexis="" font="" frozen="" look="" nbsp="" reference="">
I'm blessed, lucky, and amazed I have two friends I can be honest with and trust them to be honest back to me. The truth can hurt, but I'd rather have someone I trust, than someone I can't. I hope you enjoyed reading this. It was kind of a tornado. So if you have to stop reading after a few sentences, that's ok. Even though, if you do that, you won't ever make it down to here. XD
We'll leave you with some wise words.
“When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.”
-Shannon L. Alder
Soundtrack
- Beer Money- Kip Moore
- Ol' Red- Blake Shelton
- John Deere Green- Joe Diffie
As a whole, life means something different to each person. We all have our dreams and aspirations of what we wanted, thought our life would be like, and hoped it would turn out as, and they are each as different and individual as the people who have them. Some of us might have images of grandeur and great success while others might have goals and dreams that are smaller in scale but just as important. These are difficult to achieve as it is! No one person can know of every speed bump or blockade they'll have in life that they'll have to work to overcome. But add living with something like anxiety or depression and the daunting walls become twofold.
I can't even begin to try and explain how deep I am in the quicksand that is life and how fast it's pulling me down. Granted, I'm struggling quite a bit, so I'm sinking even faster, but sometimes I feel hopeless, like I can't get out, or as soon as I do, I'm pushed right back in. It's a scary idea to have and it can feel like it's suffocating me. Success and failure are a huge part of my anxiety and they are always in the front of my mind, always around no matter what I am doing or thinking.
Mirriam-Webster defines success as "the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like." and it's a definition many people use to measure their life, but I'm not sure I agree. As a teenager in high school, I was more than involved in everything I could be. 4-H, FFA, Student Horseman's Association, Student Government, completing my two Associate's Degrees, riding and showing my horses, competing at the local, state, and national level, and various competitions within 4-H and FFA. I was a busy student and I saw myself as a hard worker and an overachiever. My life wasn't going to way I wanted it to unless I put all my time into my FFA Chapter or my 4-H Club, or I didn't do the best I could at the Horse Judging contest and winning. Now don't get me wrong. Winning wasn't everything to me, if someone else did a better job than I did and deserved the win, I was happy with that. I just wanted to make sure I did the best I could and put my best effort forward. I was good at what I did in high school and I had dreams and visions of where I would go from there once I graduated.
I had hoped I would be offered a scholarship or two for all of my hard work in high school and everything I was involved in, but I wasn't. I didn't let that deter me. I was still going to go to the one of the colleges I wanted to and I was going to be involved once I got there. Cut to me attending the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Those were two of the best years of my life. I met one of my best friends in the whole wide world, Blogged, had some experiences I wouldn't trade for the world, and worked with some of the best people I will ever know. But it didn't last. Some things happened, UNL became too expensive for my family, and I didn't have the answers anymore. That was so scary for me, not having the answers. This was the first time that the feeling of not knowing was real and I didn't know what to do. My mother came back to Lincoln with me to move my horse and all of my stuff back to Arizona, and if felt as if I had just hit a wall. I failed myself. I never finished school at UNL and now I was back home, no job, no degree, and no idea of what I was going to do next.
The past two and a half years have been an immense struggle for me and I haven't really been able to get back up successfully and start living again. It feels almost as if I have just been a passenger and whatever happens happens, and I just go along with it. But that's not living. That's not even kind of living. That is one step short of giving up and just saying "the heck with it all, I don't care anymore." I cared. I still do, but I was so confused and unsure and frankly, scared of what was happening. My mind didn't help any. Every minute it could, it was telling me that I had failed and I was no longer the success I was in high school. I would over-think every little detail and wonder what I had done wrong in high school that didn't get me the scholarship to the college I wanted or the higher placing at a National competition. As if, rehashing and rethinking everything from high school and my years at UNL would change anything. Just going along with life and over obsessing about my past did nothing other than make me depressed and feel like I had peaked and now I was just here to be here.
I allowed myself to listen to my mind and everything I over obsessed about and now I find myself to afraid of failing like I did before, to even try and go out and get what I want now. I'm the one on the edge of pool, jealous of the people in the water having fun. I have so many opportunities and chances for my life to change and I keep putting them off because I don't want to fail again. I don't want to feel as if I wasn't good enough or I didn't try my hardest and it's my fault. I am so scared of disappointing people and seeing them look at me with disappointment or pity in their eyes. That debilitating feeling of possible, impending failure keeps me from reaching for the stars. I can't live like this anymore. My anxiety is winning and my fears are at their highest point. I am not proud of the person I have been in the past couple of years. Sure, things happen and people change, but that doesn't mean that I have completely failed.
Success, to me, can also be defined by the people around you, the hobbies you have, the job you're at, and how you view life. I don't believe that it has to be defined by your career, your stature, your wealth of money. Define it instead by if you're happy. Are you happy with the job you have currently? Career or not. Are you surrounded by people who genuinely care about you and your life? Do you involve yourself in hobbies that keep you happy and entertained and busy? Because if you can answer yes to any and all of those questions, you're successful in my book. Everyone has failures and setbacks in their life. But if they keep their chin up and busy with their friends and hobbies and themselves, the failures don't seem so big. They aren't so daunting.
Something I've learned since moving back to Scottsdale and becoming even better friends with Alexis, is that I'm never alone. Even when I may think I am. There will always be someone out there who is willing to help and invested in your life. She keeps me grounded, sane, and inspired. My photography is something that I use to help when my anxiety feels like it's too much. She's helping me get it off the ground and continue with the ideas that I had. Pushing me to keep going, even though I'm scared of failing. I'm lucky and so completely blessed to have her and my wonderful 'sister' from Nebraska. Because I wouldn't be able to see clearly without them.
- Jess
I hope you enjoyed reading this today! It was a little intense for me to write, but I wanted to share. If you guys have anything you struggle with, success or failure wise, please share and let us know how you overcame! We look foward to hearing from you!
We'll leave you with some wise words.
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."
-Winston Churchill
Soundtrack
- You- Chris Young
- Chillin' It- Cole Swindell
- Helluva Life- Frankie Ballard
