The Dance

"I am glad I didn't know the way it all would end,

the way it all would go.

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I would have had to miss the dance."

Every now and then, I bring out my old iPod, from way back in the day, and the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, plays out of my speakers.  I always turn it up because it is one of my all-time favorite songs.  Recently, this song takes on a new meaning for a few things in my life, or maybe even my entire life.  If we were to really know exactly how it would all go, exactly how it would all end, we would change everything!  We would change the ending.  However, how can I experience all of what God has planned for my life if I know how it all would end?

For the longest time, I would hear this song and tears would stream out as I mumbled the words.  I think about Danny, I think about how she was such a big part of my life and how she gave me the gift of love, friendship, family, trust, and freedom.  My childhood was not the perfect story of a loving family,  a spoiled child who had everything.  I may not have been the girl who always got a pony for Christmas, but we must always remember that things are not always as they seem.  My childhood was different than most, I spent a long time trying to fix my past.  I'm slowly learning to let it go. Let it go and let God.  Sometimes we aren't given a great hand of cards and sometimes we have to leave home to figure out who we are.  Danny was my home for a long time and she was what made life real.  She was who I always wanted to be and she was the one who always loved me no matter what.  When Danny was called home, I became homeless and I lost myself, my life.  But I have to remember that sometimes, leaving home is one of the greatest gifts in life.

When I hear this song, I flicker back and forth between memories and reality.  I think about if I knew that she would pass on abruptly, stopping my entire world, would I have given up all those memories?  For a while, the answer was a resounding yes.  Yes, I would have don't anything to stop my heart from hurting. I hated this song.  I would punch the button and shout "NEXT" and change the song with such force that I am surprised the clicker on the iPod still works.  Over time, I have slowly accepted her as part of my life, as  apart of me, as a part of who I am and who I once was.  "For a moment all the world was right, how could I have known you would ever have to say goodbye."  I am glad I didn't know how it would all end because I would have never given my heart so freely to something and allowed it to change my life and who I am forever.  Those memories are still painful, but those memories are a part of who I am.  At one time, I wanted so desperately to just be disposed of it, dispose of who I was to replace it with something that didn't have to hurt so bad.  But I have to remember how great a love it was to have, that it hurts so badly now.  I know I was living then because I have hundreds upon thousands of memories with Danny.  Some of them, I am not ready to bring up and others flow in and out of my heart like and ocean tide.  They serve as a faint reminder that she may only be a humming bird gracing the wind, but I am still here with all that was her.  I must remember to live life to the fullest and not drift from what has made me who I am today.

Yes, my life is better left to chance.  I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance.  I hope you enjoy reading this little  sneak peek into my life and memories.  Life isn't always easy, but it's always worth the dance.

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"It's possible to go on, no matter who impossible it seems."

- Nicholas Sparks   

Soundtrack

• Crazy Town- Jason Aldean 
• Young Love(Strong Love)- The Judds
•  Let It Go- Tim McGraw 

Anxiety is a Rough Mistress

I tried scouring the interwebs for something that so perfectly described how life with anxiety is for me.  I can't even tell you how long I was looking before this perfect gif came up.  The words, her face, everything about it is so familiar to me, I feel like I'm home.  This is something I understand so perfectly, that I'm calm.  Living with anxiety, every day is something different.  Granted, sometimes they just run together that they all seem to be the same, but they aren't.  It's never perfect, for people with anxiety, as it seems like it can be for others who live lives fun and fancy free. The only way to survive it is to do the best you can each and every day.  Some of those days are beautiful and wonderful and you think that if every day was like this one, that maybe, just maybe, you'd be closer to being normal and you would have that dark cloud of anxiety hovering over you.  Then other days?  Yeah.  They're the pits.  

When it comes to me, my highs are really, really high.  But those darn stinkin' lows drag me down until I'm hopeless and I don't know what to do, or if I even want to try to fix it.  It's a scary place to be, especially when you're lost like me.  I don't want you to read into what I just typed as my mind and life is a depressing suck hole where I wish my life was akin to a horror movie, because it's not.  But I'm at a place where the anxiety has taken over and I'm doing the best I can to continue on, but I don't know how.  There, I said it. I don't know how to keep going.  I am at a loss and I don't know how to live life with anxiety as an equal partner rather than a domineering voice.  Nobody in my family really knows.  If any of us have anxiety, we either don't know that's what it is, or we stuff it under the pillows and promptly try to forget about it.  After all, everyone gets stressed, right?  It's just the pressure from the stress.  Everything would work itself out eventually.  

For a while, that worked for me.  The problems I had relating to my anxiety were pretty concentrated, and I was able to push them to the side.  I wish it had continued on like that forever.  Hah.  If only, right?  Eventually, you get to a point in your life, where the anxiety spreads like wildfire, from the small part of your life to every part the flame has a chance to flicker to.  You're caught in the crosshairs and I know from my experience, I was frozen, just watching it take over my life.  I never really realized how much of an issue I had in social situations until my relationship with Blade.  I never had to think about it for more than a few moments because I was able to stay away from the situations I didn't want to go to and I could stay secluded in my own little world.  Then everything changed and my eyes were opened.

When it came to Blade and I's relationship, I was supportive of him to a fault.  I realize now that it was out of fear and anxiety as well as love and character.  I let my anxiety tell me that it was more important to support him and the things he loved to do all the time and to push ideas of what I wanted every once in a while down, because my feelings weren't important.  He had never said that to me.  In fact, he was always trying to get me to tell him what we should do or trying to have me make the decision of what we would do that date night.  But I could never commit because I always had stupid little voice in my head.  The voice that said my ideas were stupid and he wouldn't want to do that, or that his ideas were more important because I needed to make sure that I kept him happy so our relationship wouldn't end.   My anxiety kept telling me that if I could just keep him happy and keep myself in the shadows, everything would be ok. 

I wish I had listened to common sense instead of the sneaky little twit that resides in the deep recesses of my brain.  But it's so hard. It's so, so hard.  Sure, people like me can be strong or independent, but when anxiety has a talon in your consciousness  and is there for every waking moment, the game changes.  The things people say or do to you stay with you.  The looks hurt and the words hurt even more and before you know it, you turn into a shell of your former self because you start to believe the things people would tell you.  That voice in your head can be so persuasive and it starts to repeat the things it hears, like a parrot on your shoulder.  Whether it's people you know or people you've never met, they affect you the same if you hear it enough.  The days turn into weeks and the weeks into months and suddenly you're just a broken version of you, lost and confused.  

That's where I was when I met Blade, and I wish I could say I was healed and am better now, but I'm not.  Blade tried to help me, tried to get me to see that I was better than what people had said of me in the past.  That maybe they had mattered when I was alone, but now I was with someone who loved me for me, who saw the good things and the bad and still wanted to be with me.  That I was with someone who trusted in God and looked to him for guidance.  With someone who didn't think I was broken, just a little scratched.   He tried so hard and he was with me every step of the way.  But after a while, even after trying so hard, there's nothing left you can do.  Anxiety is rough on you and it's rough on those who love you. I resisted quite a bit because I was scared.  I was scared of trying something new because I thought if I did it wrong,  he would leave, because that's how my friends were in the past.  He told me over and over the outcome wasn't the important part, that the attempt to try was. 

 I trusted him more than anyone else in my life but I didn't trust him enough.  I didn't want him to see inside my head because I was ashamed of how my mind worked.  The things I couldn't stop thinking about on repeat.  He wasn't perfect.  None of us are.  But he is so much stronger , mentally, than I am and I didn't want him to see me as a failure.  That was the biggest fear I had.  I didn't want him to see the things I was afraid of because I thought it would make him love me less, that suddenly he'd realize what kind of girlfriend I was and that he didn't want any part of it anymore. So I kept the biggest things back.  Even when he would open up and talk to me about his fears and his feelings and his struggles.  I turned our relationship into a one sided, support system and it just didn't work anymore. 

I let myself dream and wish for future plans with our relationship.  Marriage, a family, building a life together, but I wasn't able to put all of myself on the table .  I was too scared to trust him with my issues and my anxiety.  Now, I look back and I tell myself, "I should have just done this..." or "If only I would have opened up that one time he asked..." but I could do that all day.  Talking to him after we broke up, a lot more things came out into the open. I remember him saying that he didn't understand my anxiety issues, how they worked or why they were so bad, but he knew that I needed time to figure out who I was as me.  I had spent all of my life altering the way I lived to fit with someone who was close to me.  I didn't know who Jess was and frankly, I still don't.  But I'm getting closer every day, and I have him to thank for that.  That was one of the hardest days of my life, but sometimes you just need a sudden jolt, a wake up call, to start living again.  But this time, to start living for you.  

But don't get me wrong.  I am not saying to go and become a selfish version of you.  Always doing things you want to do and never supporting anyone else in your life, because that is not what I was implying.  Take time to figure out who you are.  What makes you happy?  Who makes your day brighter?  Do things that enlighten your daily life, but also support those who you love.  Anxiety, when left unchecked, runs rampant and destroys everything in it's path because it's allowed to.  I learned my lesson, at a very great expense, and now, I need to learn how to control it.  How to live a normal life with it.  I know it's not going to be easy.  Heck.  Life is rarely easy for people with anxiety.  But the best thing we can do is try our best to make it through.  Some days are going to be easy and some days...they're going to be really rough, I'm not going to lie to you.  But know what makes you happy, so you can take a break from anxiety and it's clutches, and you can spend some time for you.  Surround yourself with people who love you and truly care for you.  I am extremely lucky to still have Blade as a support system, as well as my bestest friend in Nebraska, my family, and my bestest friend Alexis.  I can't do it alone.  I learned that.  But now I have a network of people who can help me... I'm hoping to start going to therapy to learn better ways of coping. Also, to learn how to talk about the issues in my head.  Anxiety is not something that should cause embarrassment, but it does.  All the time.  I need to be a stronger person and I have to ask for help.  We'll see how it goes.  I have some high hopes. :)

I hope you enjoyed reading this and can relate.  Life isn't easy all the time. But it's worth growing and learning and having certain people in your life who help you realize that you aren't as damaged as you might have thought.  If you ever need anyone to talk to, we are both always here.  Hope the rest of your week is going splendidly!

We'll leave you with some wise words.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Soundtrack

• Too Much Fun- Daryle Singletary
• Don't Take The Girl- Tim McGraw
• Whiskey's Gone- Zac Brown Band

Talkative Tuesday 5

Talkative Tuesday 5

What are things you are afraid of?


Oh man.  Just seeing this question has started my anxiety going and my mind to think of everything I haven't done.  An easier list would be 'What are things I am NOT afraid of."  But, sadly, that's not the question for today.  What are things you are afraid of?  Inhale deep breath, wait a moment and exhale slowly.  You can do this, Jess.  It's not so hard. Just type a few things that go bump in the night and are creepy crawly.  There. Done, right?  WRONG. That's not what this blog is about and it's not what Talkative Tuesdays are all about.  Well, yeah.  We want Talkative Tuesdays to be a way for you to get to know us, but also it's a way for us to get to know ourselves.  Sometimes the questions might be easy and seem silly.  But then we get questions like these.  They aren't so easy or silly.

When I was younger, I was always proud of myself that I wasn't scared of very much.  Bugs didn't bother me, heights were something to be proud of, and the deep end of the swimming pool held mysteries and stories to be uncovered.  Then came getting older and experiencing 'real life' instead of the sheltered world I grew up in.  I can't say I was prepared for it.  Life crashed into me like a wave crashing into the rocky, scraggly, cliffs in an ocean storm.  Needless to say, I did not survive like the cliffs do and was a point, worse for wear.  I had never figured that fear could be about something that wasn't physical or right there in front of you.  But it can be.  Fear isn't always something that is tangible or palpable.  Sometimes, it is what is burrowing it's way deep into your mind and staying there, ready at the slightest moment, to be the one thing you can't stop thinking about.  I have known people that say that fear is only fear if it's something you can overcome physically.  Mental fear doesn't exist. I can't agree with that.  Fear does not mean the same thing to everyone.

Sure, I have physical and tangible fears.  But I also have fears that reside in my mind and wreak havoc on my life and feed my anxiety. Physical fears?  Roaches.  Digusting creatures that can live even after they've been squished, sprayed, or eaten by chickens. ALSO, they can fly! WHAT THE HECK! That is so not even fair.  Mental fears? That list can go on and on.  I have fears about talking on the phone to people I don't know.  What if they think I sound funny?  What if I don't respond right away and they think I don't care?  What if my mental dyslexia kicks in and I mess up what I'm saying?  Then they'll think I'm an idiot.  Sure, they can't see me, but that doesn't mean that I'm not cringing and possibly blushing.  Going up to someone I don't know and asking for something or if it's free? Fuggadaboutit.  My heart starts to race, my hands start to shake, and I start to shake my head.  Even writing about it now is bringing that up.  Sure, they see tons of people all day, but I'll be the one they remember.  That idiot who asked if something was free.  Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Sadly, the amount of stupidity it holds doesn't lessen the amount of fear it strikes in my head.

Other things I'm afraid of? Talking to guys, going for an oil change, ordering coffee at Starbuck's, people begging for money on the side of the road, the kiosks in the mall with the people who try to grab you as you walk by for a sample, clothes shopping, getting a manicure, people touching me, setting up my Etsy Store, traveling alone, and going to the gym.  Believe me.  This isn't the entire list, but we would be here forever.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

It's quite the list of mental blocks and fears, but they are all fears that I am working on overcoming.  They can't all be tackled in one day, but I can work on them, one at a time, until I am able to control them and do these activities in a normal way.   It won't be easy, but man, will it be worth it.

-Jess

"Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins."

-Charles Stanley

Soundtrack

• Always The Love Songs-  Eli Young Band
•  As She's Walking Away- Zac Brown Band (feat. Alan Jackson)
•  We Go Together- John Travolta and Oliva Newton-John

I Choose To Stand By Me

Here I am sitting here, another day, another incident, another time that I find myself judged and trying to explain myself. Constantly we, as humans, are judged. "Oh, she's fat." or "Oh, she's fit." , we are judged both ways. We are told what perfection is and how to or not to achieve it. But when it comes to our own lives, why is it that we are constantly judged for every one of our decisions, no matter how right or wrong they really are? 

I choose-what brutal thing to do in life.

I choose to be fit. With that choice, I get it both ways. I am either not fit enough, or I get "You are so skinny why do you bother?". Why is this a constant question or debate? I choose to be fit for me, so why not be happy for me? It isn't hurting you.  You should either choose to be happy for me, as long as it is good for me and not harming, hurting, or endangering anyone or thing, or not concern yourself with my decisions. I never asked for your approval.

Recently I have been going through a difficult time with my horse.  He has sustained a long list of injuries in the recent months and I chose to get an MRI.  I can't even begin to tell you how I am judged both ways. It's either been people telling me 'it's excessive' or ' you're really not doing enough for him!'.  I followed through and got the MRI because it was my decision and I felt it was necessary. Many people were happy we could finally know what's going on with Kiss. Others thought it was excessive, that it was too much. But again, I sit here and ponder.  Why do I feel like I went to a party naked?  Why am I owning up to those who think I am wrong and not to those who think I am right? 

I texted Jess about a particular incident where someone had questioned my decisions for Kiss to a point that was down right mean. Who are they to decide if I am being right or wrong. To decide if I'm  doing good for him or bad? It's between me, God, and the vet. If God enables me to pay for his procedures, allows insurance to cover them, and the vet feels they are in his best interest, then I am going to proceed. I no longer want to own up to anyone other then my supporters. It has been a long time coming and I should no longer be hostage to those who can't support my choices. Especially when the decisions are good, make me happy, or are going to help something or someone I love. This is my life, not theirs.

With that I am to continuing to choose.  For too long I have been to afraid to stand by my choices. However, having been blessed with a friend whom has changed the tides of my life forever, I am starting to find an anchor in who I am and what I choose. Thank you Jess, for being a part of this gift of God, the opportunity to change my life. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this.  Both Jess and I have had some struggles with this, so I know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and deciding.  Please let us know if you have ever had to make a decision like this and how you went through with it.

-Alexis  

We'll leave you with some wise words.

“Sometimes, making the wrong choice is better than making no choice. You have the courage to go forward, that is rare. A person who stands at the fork, unable to pick, will never get anywhere.” 

- Terry Goodkind

Soundtrack

• I Like It, I Love It- Tim McGraw
• Drink, Swear, Steal, & Lie- Michael Peterson 
• Muckalee Creek Water- Luke Bryan 

One Step At A Time

Just a couple of days ago, I said to Jess "We should post less easy questions and write about what is real in our lives. We need to write about our struggles. People have the same fears and we should put ourselves out there." and now as I sit here, I have to eat my words and own up to my own suggestion.  I am realizing what has held Jess back for so long.  What if I'm rejected? What if I sound crazy? What if my posts or this blog is a total failure?   Cue the self talk.  "You can do this, don't worry or care about what anyone else thinks. This blog is for you guys."  Of course, directly following that is the "You're soooooooooo stupid for suggesting this."

I must own up to my actions; say what I mean and mean what I say.  I have never been one to say one thing and then do another.  Yet I know many people, and even have a friend or two, who are notorious for doing just that.  They say one thing and the next thing you know, they're doing something else.  It. Drives. Me. BONKERS! So here I am, faced with having to write something.  Something of value and something I struggle with.  So, with out further ado, I'll step to the ledge.  Here goes nothing!  I'm gonna JUMP!

More recently than not, I have decided that I need to start standing up for myself.  Contrary to popular belief, this has been a fight of epic proportions.  I even had a Talkative Tuesday  response about it.  Okay, I can see you now.  You're saying 'Alex, you're being dramatic.'  Yes.  Yes, as a matter a fact I am.  But that doesn't make it any less real or any less me.  Growing up, I was the kid who just did my own thing.  I wasn't popular, but I didn't care. I had horses and all of my horse friends in 4-H.  I lived for and counted down the hours until the time after school and I lived for the weekends.  Those times were spent at horse shows, on the back of a horse, and with my "cool" friends.  We were all crazy, had ratted hair, and backyard horses our parents stuck us on to learn to ride, and that meant you learned how to lose classes.  Us "cool" kids did not have the fancy clothes or the expensive trailers and horses to match.  We made do with what we had and we banded together because we didn't care.  We had one thing the rich kids didn't.  We loved our horses and we loved each other.  I have made and kept more friends from my horse years than I could ever count.  Jess being one of them.

Jess and I have always had our separate paths we followed, yet we never lost contact.  We have always been friends and we will always be the 'cool' kids.  We never got caught up in the drama, we did our own thing, and we kept to ourselves and our kind.  Until recently, when the stars aligned and God intervened, pushing our paths to merge.  Jess and I both struggle with standing up for ourselves, we both fear failure and irrational things, and we both have hang-ups with our anxiety.  However, we decided to take life into our own hands.  We decided that we were no longer going to quit life.  We are going to live it abundantly and we are going to reclaim our 'cool' kid status.  Standing up for ourselves is on our 'To-Do List Before We Die' and we will conquer it.

Jess and I both despise confrontation;  we would rather agree and suck it up than fight for ourselves.  We end up getting mad and venting to each other about not being able to 'just say no'.  Nevertheless, things are about to chance.  I know for me, at least, I am gaining that confidence needed to stand up to someone and not worry about what may or may not happen or what the outcome may be.  I am so tired.  No, scratch that. Exhuasted. I am so exhausted from hating the those internal feelings I get after I just agree to someone else's plan for me, to what someone else wants and causes me to jeopardize what I stand for, or to affect what I want or know is the right thing.  I just agree, instead of attempting to compromise or even initiate the compromise.  Let me tell you.  The tides are changing.  

I have a friend, who can be pushy, bossy, controlling, and manipulative.  Now, I'm not going to say names or anything that may hint to this person's identity, the story is the important part. I know you are asking yourself 'Why is this person her friend? What is wrong with you Alex, that you would keep this type of person in your life?'.  Okay, so here is my quick and dirty explanation.  They were not always this bossy, controlling, manipulative person.  It's taken a change of recent events in their life for them to morph into this new person.  This person was fun, friendly, and most importantly, they cared.  But something changed.  I took a break from this person's life and I stepped back for a bit, giving us some breathing room. Then, I gave them a second chance.  It seemed like they had reverted back to their old ways of being a caring and fun friend, but then the other side came out, especially when they wanted me to agree with them.  This person loves to tell me what to do with MY LIFE and instruct me on how  to live.  Recently in my life, a major even took place that has changed most things for me.  This friend felt it was their job and duty to consistently dictate to me what I should do in my life.  They would tell me how I was doing everything wrong, and if I wanted a better life, I should just do everything the way they did.  I would just ignore it. Their advice and constant badgering caused a lot of stress, internal tension, and major anxiety in my life.  It got to the point where I was wondering if they were going to bring up what they wanted me to change or get rid of every time they texted me.  

Of course, this went on for weeks because, as I've said before, I avoid confrontation like a child avoids green beans on their dinner plate.  I will do everything in my power but acknowledge the confrontation is there.  But eventually, the proverbial straw comes along and breaks that poor camel's back.  This person finally confronted me again about this life change they thought was best for me and I found that I had finally had enough.  Jess and I had talked about it A LOT and I was done!  I am sure Jess was sick of hearing about, but she still offered me more advice than one would know what to do with.  Luckily for me, it all came together.  I no longer wanted to hear what this person had to say.  I no longer wanted their advice.  The next time they texted me, confronting me, I confronted them right back.   Needless to say, this person was not expecting that reaction.  I was an easy target, a person they could bully to make themselves feel better, but when I fought back, they didn't know what to say or do.  They just responded with 'Ok. I have to go' and the conversation ended.  Before I had felt like I had enough, I would apologize and try to explain myself, but this time, I just...LET IT GO.  I have realized it's not my job to take on their feelings.  It's my job to take care of my own.  This is not the end of my epic internal battle, but I have finally taken the time to put on the armor needed and I am ready for the next battle.  They always say the first step is the hardest....  Man, are they right.  

-Alexis

I hope you enjoyed this post.  It was difficult for me to write, but I am so proud of myself for taking a step in the right direction. This might seem like a small step to any of our readers, but it is a HUGE step for me.  We hope, if any of you are having issues similar to this, always know that we are here and we love to listen.

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have."

                                                                                           -Norman Vincent Peale

Soundtrack

• Your Man- Josh Turner
•  Check Yes Or No- George Strait
•  Sober- Little Big Town

Success? What In The World Is That?

As a whole, life means something different to each person.  We all have our dreams and aspirations of what we wanted, thought our life would be like, and hoped it would turn out as, and they are each as different and individual as the people who have them.  Some of us might have images of grandeur and great success while others might have goals and dreams that are smaller in scale but just as important. These are difficult to achieve as it is!  No one person can know of every speed bump or blockade they'll have in life that they'll have to work to overcome.  But add living with something like anxiety or depression and the daunting walls become twofold.

I can't even begin to try and explain how deep I am in the quicksand that is life and how fast it's pulling me down.  Granted, I'm struggling quite a bit, so I'm sinking even faster, but sometimes I feel hopeless, like I can't get out, or as soon as I do, I'm pushed right back in. It's a scary idea to have and it can feel like it's suffocating me.  Success and failure are a huge part of my anxiety and they are always in the front of my mind, always around no matter what I am doing or thinking. 

Mirriam-Webster defines success as "the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like." and it's a definition many people use to measure their life, but I'm not sure I agree.  As a teenager in high school, I was more than involved in everything I could be.  4-H, FFA, Student Horseman's Association, Student Government, completing my two Associate's Degrees, riding and showing my horses, competing at the local, state, and national level, and various competitions within 4-H and FFA. I was a busy student and I saw myself as a hard worker and an overachiever.  My life wasn't going to way I wanted it to unless I put all my time into my FFA Chapter or my 4-H Club, or I didn't do the best I could at the Horse Judging contest and winning.  Now don't get me wrong.  Winning wasn't everything to me, if someone else did a better job than I did and deserved the win, I was happy with that.  I just wanted to make sure I did the best I could and put my best effort forward. I was good at what I did in high school and I had dreams and visions of where I would go from there once I graduated.  

I had hoped I would be offered a scholarship or two for all of my hard work in high school and everything I was involved in, but I wasn't.  I didn't let that deter me.  I was still going to go to the one of the colleges I wanted to and I was going to be involved once I got there.  Cut to me attending the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.  Those were two of the best years of my life. I met one of my best friends in the whole wide world,  Blogged, had some experiences I wouldn't trade for the world, and worked with some of the best people I will ever know. But it didn't last.  Some things happened, UNL became too expensive for my family, and I didn't have the answers anymore. That was so scary for me, not having the answers.  This was the first time that the feeling of not knowing was real and I didn't know what to do.  My mother came back to Lincoln with me to move my horse and all of my stuff back to Arizona, and if felt as if I had just hit a wall.  I failed myself.  I never finished school at UNL and now I was back home, no job, no degree, and no idea of what I was going to do next.  

The past two and a half years have been an immense struggle for me and I haven't really been able to get back up successfully and start living again.  It feels almost as if I have just been a passenger and whatever happens happens, and I just go along with it.  But that's not living.  That's not even kind of living.  That is one step short of giving up and just saying "the heck with it all, I don't care anymore."  I cared.  I still do, but I was so confused and unsure and frankly, scared of what was happening.  My mind didn't help any.  Every minute it could, it was telling me that I had failed and I was no longer the success I was in high school.  I would over-think every little detail and wonder what I had done wrong in high school that didn't get me the scholarship to the college I wanted or the higher placing at a National competition. As if, rehashing and rethinking everything from high school and my years at UNL would change anything.  Just going along with life and over obsessing about my past did nothing other than make me depressed and feel like I had peaked and now I was just here to be here.  

I allowed myself to listen to my mind and everything I over obsessed about and now I find myself to afraid of failing like I did before, to even try and go out and get what I want now.  I'm the one on the edge of pool, jealous of the people in the water having fun.  I have so many opportunities and chances for my life to change and I keep putting them off because I don't want to fail again.  I don't want to feel as if I wasn't good enough or I didn't try my hardest and it's my fault.  I am so scared of disappointing people and seeing them look at me with disappointment or pity in their eyes.  That debilitating feeling of possible, impending failure keeps me from reaching for the stars.  I can't live like this anymore.  My anxiety is winning and my fears are at their highest point.  I am not proud of the person I have been in the past couple of years.  Sure, things happen and people change, but that doesn't mean that I have completely failed.

Success, to me, can also be defined by the people around you, the hobbies you have, the job you're at, and how you view life.  I don't believe that it has to be defined by your career, your stature, your wealth of money.  Define it instead by if you're happy.  Are you happy with the job you have currently? Career or not.  Are you surrounded by people who genuinely care about you and your life? Do you involve yourself in hobbies that keep you happy and entertained and busy?  Because if you can answer yes to any and all of those questions, you're successful in my book.   Everyone has failures and setbacks in their life.  But if they keep their chin up and busy with their friends and hobbies and themselves, the failures don't seem so big.  They aren't so daunting.  

Something I've learned since moving back to Scottsdale and becoming even better friends with Alexis, is that I'm never alone.  Even when I may think I am.  There will always be someone out there who is willing to help and invested in your life.  She keeps me grounded, sane, and inspired.  My photography is something that I use to help when my anxiety feels like it's too much.  She's helping me get it off the ground and continue with the ideas that I had. Pushing me to keep going, even though I'm scared of failing.  I'm lucky and so completely blessed to have her and my wonderful 'sister' from Nebraska.  Because I wouldn't be able to see clearly without them.

                                                                                                                                       - Jess



I hope you enjoyed reading this today!  It was a little intense for me to write, but I wanted to share.  If you guys have anything you struggle with, success or failure wise, please share and let us know how you overcame! We look foward to hearing from you!

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."

                                                                                                           -Winston Churchill

Soundtrack

• You- Chris Young
• Chillin' It- Cole Swindell
• Helluva Life- Frankie Ballard

A Wise Man Once Said

Johnny Depp says "You can close your eyes to what you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to what you don't want to feel."

Now, more than ever, in my life, I feel like I close my eyes to stop feeling, but all I find myself doing is not seeing. I try to close my life off when I shut my eyes, I try to stop it all. Yet, what I really stop is the seeing, but I keep on feeling.  I can't close my heart of stop it from feeling the pain.

More often than not, I skip out on life, so I don't have to feel or see.  But let me tell you, it still hurts.  I'm not even sure which hurts more, knowing that I am standing outside the fire of life (thank you, Garth) or that risking it all and jumping in can be exhilarating.  But if I do that, I run the risk of being burned.

My life has been turned upside down, sideways, and thrown off a cliff in the last few months.  I notice now, more than ever, that my anxiety has grown and grown.  I've stopped seeing. I don't go on Facebook, I don't text my friends, I've stopped riding, and yet, I keep feeling.  They just don't stop  I can close my eyes to my life, but my heart keeps beating, pumping blood and oxygen, and it keeps right on feeling.

Jessi approached me and asked me to do a blog together.  She asked me to be a part of her life and she asked me to help her heal.  I agreed.  I opened my eyes and decided I can't keep walking blindly and hating life, and by life I mean the small existence I had become.  That I have to make a change and I am the only one who can.

So I agreed.  I agreed to start seeing again. To stop hating what I feel and instead, learn to just feel it and learn to live with it.  Lately, I've been so angry and torn, sad and broken, but she makes it okay to feel all of that.  But what is even better is that I get wonderful company, great pictures, and someone else who has tried for too long to close their eyes and stop the feeling.  I know in the next few weeks, my world can be turned upside down with news of my horse. But I now know that I can feel everything, survive, and not be alone in doing so.

-Alexis

Has this quote ever spoken to you? Has it ever made you feel so strongly and made you want to reply? Or any quote for that matter. If you have a quote that has spoken to you, please share it with us! We would love to hear back!

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"You can close your eyes to what you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to what you don't want to feel."

- Johnny Depp 

Soundtrack

• Water- Brad Paisley
• Running Out Of Moonlight- Randy Houser
• Til My Last Day- Justin Moore

A Valentine's Day and Our Weekend Adventure

 Ahh!! Valentine's Day has come and passed and man, did we have a GREAT weekend! If you read our Valentine's Day, Oh Yay -.- post a few days ago, then you're all caught up on our views, feelings, and plans for Valentine's Day.  If you haven't, just click on the title and take a ride to our previous post! Go! Get to reading!  Anywho, neither of us have boyfriends, so we didn't have any romantic Valentine's Day plans. We weren't heartbroken over it, sometimes Valentine's Day is too much of a not always good thing. LOL. But that's just us! So we decided to be each other's Valentine's and spend the weekend being AWESOME! The first thing to start the weekend off right? Dutch Bro's Coffee.  Yeah. It was a must.  Drink of choice? A medium, Iced White Russian.  Ecstasy in a beautiful cup. Of course, we also had to pause for the obligatory 'First Dutch Bro's Coffee Selfie' (Alexis had never been).

Yeah.  This is totally us. 

We can't even express how awesomely this set our weekend off. We were blissfully happy.  We swear to you, that coffee has magical powers.  We had some great plans for the weekend, but first up? A movie. HECK YEAH!  So, of course, we had to hit up the local Fry's to buy cheaper, more delicious candy. Who doesn't like to snack on contraband at the movie theater?  We were assaulted as soon as we walked in. Valentine's Day EVERYWHERE!

Oh my goodness, so much pink! :)

I was...forced to pose for this photo. See my face? Ooo! Candy Bouquets. - Jess

We went and saw 'Monuments Men', starring George Clooney, Matt Damon, John Goodman, and several other wonderful actors.  We went to the movie theater with RECLINING SOFA CHAIRS for each person. It was AMAZING! Though, anytime someone moved their chair up or down, the leather made a farting noise and it was pretty funny.  It was so much fun and a great ASAA Movie date! :D 

So not sure what is going on there. >.<

Yeah, we got to recline.  All the way back.  

After the movie, we had headed back home and painted our nails with the awesome gel nail polish! It was amazing.  Don't our fingers look just so beautiful? And our matching Pony bracelets. Aww :) 

We couldn't let our awesome and amazing weekend stop there.  Saturday, we attended the 59th Annual Scottsdale Arabian Horse Show because we live and breathe horses, the shopping is amazing, and it's basically obligatory. :) Plus, the Equidome was re-built, so we had to see what the hype was all about!  We had a wonderful time.  Saw some beautiful horses, ate delicious food, and even shopped a little.  The shopping this year was a bit disappointing.  No where nearly as much shopping as there had been in years before.  But that's not to say we walked away empty handed! There were so many great things we saw!!

OMG! A horse with a moustache!- Alexis

Junior to Ride Hunter Pleasure

Junior To Ride Native Costume

OH MY GOSH! A HEREFORD stuffie! No, I'm not drunk. >.<- br="" jess="">

We couldn't help ourselves.  We had to take pictures EVERYWHERE! But overall, it was a great Saturday!  Sunday night, there was a family Valentine's Day party.  Complete with food drama, Moonshine Cherries(yes, you read right.  Moonshine Cherries), Chocolate covered bacon and strawberries, and cute rings.  Yes.  We took pictures of all of them! How could we resist?

'I'm a flirt!'  Hah. Yeah right. XD- Jess

Mom, get a pic of us with our rings!- Alexis

Aren't they beautiful?

Oh my gosh. I could have eaten the whole jar.  I just had one.:) - Jess

Oh gosh, do you see this? Chocolate Dipped BACON! DELICIOUS- Jess

That party was so much fun! The food was delicious, the company wonderful, and the photos fun. :) We happened to overdose on too much food, dark chocolate, and amazingly magical punch.  Great memories were made that day!

On the way to the specialist.

That Monday, a holiday, we took Scooter (Alexis' horse) to a specialist to hopefully get a better idea of why he was so lame! For you non-horsey people, that means something was causing his natural way of going(moving/walking/motion) to be hindered so he was failing to travel and move in his normal way.  It was a very interesting and eye opening experience.  We will definitely be keeping everyone updated on his progress! He's getting ready for an MRI for some better diagnosis results. Fingers crossed and prayers would be appreciated greatly!

X-ray!

Yeah, that was our weekend. But we aren't even done yet.  After coming back from a short craft store trip, we notice Jess's car was leaking GOBS of...stuff.  

My poor truck is bleeding. :( -Jess

FREAK OUT MODE! Quite literally! We had no idea what to do, the poor little, hardworking Ford was injured.  Alexis called her mom and she came out and took a look while we waited for Alexis's roommate. Several diagnoses went through. It was my radiator.  Nope, it was the water pump.  No, wait, it's the hose for the radiator.  All the while, Jess was freaking out because most of that is pretty expensive once everything is added up. Then we pinpointed where it was leaking from (PHEW) and just waited for her roommate!

It kind of looks like I hit her! D: - Jess

Her roommate came, re-attached the hose and Jess was on her way.  Overall, it was such a wonderful weekend.  We helped each other with our anxiety, enjoyed each other's company, and made quite a few more plans for the coming weeks!  Can't wait to blog about our next adventure!  We hope you enjoyed reading this entry. Maybe even laughed once or twice at Jess's horribly horrendous pictures.  We have stopped hiding and this is us. Can't wait until next time!

We'll leave you with some wise words

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. IT is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

- Albert Schweitzer

Soundtrack

• Radio-Darius Rucker
• Where The Green Grass Grows- Tim McGraw
• Watching You -Rodney Atkins