I must own up to my actions; say what I mean and mean what I say. I have never been one to say one thing and then do another. Yet I know many people, and even have a friend or two, who are notorious for doing just that. They say one thing and the next thing you know, they're doing something else. It. Drives. Me. BONKERS! So here I am, faced with having to write something. Something of value and something I struggle with. So, with out further ado, I'll step to the ledge. Here goes nothing! I'm gonna JUMP!
More recently than not, I have decided that I need to start standing up for myself. Contrary to popular belief, this has been a fight of epic proportions. I even had a Talkative Tuesday response about it. Okay, I can see you now. You're saying 'Alex, you're being dramatic.' Yes. Yes, as a matter a fact I am. But that doesn't make it any less real or any less me. Growing up, I was the kid who just did my own thing. I wasn't popular, but I didn't care. I had horses and all of my horse friends in 4-H. I lived for and counted down the hours until the time after school and I lived for the weekends. Those times were spent at horse shows, on the back of a horse, and with my "cool" friends. We were all crazy, had ratted hair, and backyard horses our parents stuck us on to learn to ride, and that meant you learned how to lose classes. Us "cool" kids did not have the fancy clothes or the expensive trailers and horses to match. We made do with what we had and we banded together because we didn't care. We had one thing the rich kids didn't. We loved our horses and we loved each other. I have made and kept more friends from my horse years than I could ever count. Jess being one of them.
Jess and I have always had our separate paths we followed, yet we never lost contact. We have always been friends and we will always be the 'cool' kids. We never got caught up in the drama, we did our own thing, and we kept to ourselves and our kind. Until recently, when the stars aligned and God intervened, pushing our paths to merge. Jess and I both struggle with standing up for ourselves, we both fear failure and irrational things, and we both have hang-ups with our anxiety. However, we decided to take life into our own hands. We decided that we were no longer going to quit life. We are going to live it abundantly and we are going to reclaim our 'cool' kid status. Standing up for ourselves is on our 'To-Do List Before We Die' and we will conquer it.
Jess and I both despise confrontation; we would rather agree and suck it up than fight for ourselves. We end up getting mad and venting to each other about not being able to 'just say no'. Nevertheless, things are about to chance. I know for me, at least, I am gaining that confidence needed to stand up to someone and not worry about what may or may not happen or what the outcome may be. I am so tired. No, scratch that. Exhuasted. I am so exhausted from hating the those internal feelings I get after I just agree to someone else's plan for me, to what someone else wants and causes me to jeopardize what I stand for, or to affect what I want or know is the right thing. I just agree, instead of attempting to compromise or even initiate the compromise. Let me tell you. The tides are changing.
I have a friend, who can be pushy, bossy, controlling, and manipulative. Now, I'm not going to say names or anything that may hint to this person's identity, the story is the important part. I know you are asking yourself 'Why is this person her friend? What is wrong with you Alex, that you would keep this type of person in your life?'. Okay, so here is my quick and dirty explanation. They were not always this bossy, controlling, manipulative person. It's taken a change of recent events in their life for them to morph into this new person. This person was fun, friendly, and most importantly, they cared. But something changed. I took a break from this person's life and I stepped back for a bit, giving us some breathing room. Then, I gave them a second chance. It seemed like they had reverted back to their old ways of being a caring and fun friend, but then the other side came out, especially when they wanted me to agree with them. This person loves to tell me what to do with MY LIFE and instruct me on how to live. Recently in my life, a major even took place that has changed most things for me. This friend felt it was their job and duty to consistently dictate to me what I should do in my life. They would tell me how I was doing everything wrong, and if I wanted a better life, I should just do everything the way they did. I would just ignore it. Their advice and constant badgering caused a lot of stress, internal tension, and major anxiety in my life. It got to the point where I was wondering if they were going to bring up what they wanted me to change or get rid of every time they texted me.
Of course, this went on for weeks because, as I've said before, I avoid confrontation like a child avoids green beans on their dinner plate. I will do everything in my power but acknowledge the confrontation is there. But eventually, the proverbial straw comes along and breaks that poor camel's back. This person finally confronted me again about this life change they thought was best for me and I found that I had finally had enough. Jess and I had talked about it A LOT and I was done! I am sure Jess was sick of hearing about, but she still offered me more advice than one would know what to do with. Luckily for me, it all came together. I no longer wanted to hear what this person had to say. I no longer wanted their advice. The next time they texted me, confronting me, I confronted them right back. Needless to say, this person was not expecting that reaction. I was an easy target, a person they could bully to make themselves feel better, but when I fought back, they didn't know what to say or do. They just responded with 'Ok. I have to go' and the conversation ended. Before I had felt like I had enough, I would apologize and try to explain myself, but this time, I just...LET IT GO. I have realized it's not my job to take on their feelings. It's my job to take care of my own. This is not the end of my epic internal battle, but I have finally taken the time to put on the armor needed and I am ready for the next battle. They always say the first step is the hardest.... Man, are they right.
-Alexis
I hope you enjoyed this post. It was difficult for me to write, but I am so proud of myself for taking a step in the right direction. This might seem like a small step to any of our readers, but it is a HUGE step for me. We hope, if any of you are having issues similar to this, always know that we are here and we love to listen.
We'll leave you with some wise words.
"Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have."
-Norman Vincent Peale
Soundtrack
- Your Man- Josh Turner
- Check Yes Or No- George Strait
- Sober- Little Big Town
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