Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Every once in a while, I let my mouth run and I don't stop to think of the repercussions.  Granted, this doesn't happen very often, it's few and far between, but when it does happen, it's huge.  I have always been a passionate person when it comes to the things I feel and believe.  Whether the topic is horses or my friends and family, or agriculture, I stand by what I believe and there's a reason I feel that way.  Now, I don't speak up very often.  I have anxieties about that.  Saying what is on my mind? Yiiiikes.  No, thank you.  I'll sit idly by, watch everyone else converse about their beliefs, and run a never ending stream of commentary in my head.  That's my comfort zone and boy, do I love it.

I have spoken up once or twice, and people go bananas.  "What's this?  You actually have thoughts of your own on this subject?" or "So did you just come up with that because we said the opposite?". Yeah, I don't even know.  Are they even listening to what is coming out of their mouths? Because it sounds ridiculous.  That's when I remember why I kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself.   They aren't worth me stepping out of my comfort zone.  

But that got me to thinking.  When would it be worth me actually saying what was on my mind?  When would I feel comfortable enough around anyone to actually say what I believed and felt?  As of yet, I had been shot down, ridiculed, and even told how stupid what I had said was.  I believed them for a while.  Yeah, what I was thinking was dumb.  Why was I so stupid to let it slip out? Would I ever do that again?  Heck NO, I wouldn't be.  Lesson learned.  But there comes a time when just sitting back and listening gets old.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I stopped hanging out with people I disagreed with, because I knew I wouldn't enjoy myself in any way.  I avoided conversations at work or school, because avoidence (in my mind at the time) was the answer.  It was easier to stay to myself and be the quiet person who arrives right on time and leaves as soon as she's able, than to participate and make friends and actually live a life. 

Enter UNL.  Sometimes, all one needs is a change of scenery and good, old fashioned agriculture.  I met a life changing friend at UNL, who is still in my life to this day.  She was the first to show me what a strong, opinionated, and successful woman could be.  Thanks to the ever horrible first day 'ice breakers' that I can never seem to escape, we became fast friends and it's been a friendship that has lasted through several UNL Ag classes, Dairy Store runs, Cross country moves, Cattle gate trippin hazards, and even a wedding. Yet, she's never faltered in knowing what she wants or how to get it.  Saying what's on her mind and meaning what she says.  During my short...'stint' at UNL, we started a blog, and I finally had a chance to talk about what was going on in my mind.  Granted, the blog was anonymous, but it was still our feelings and thoughts and for once, people listened.  Our blog was relatively popular and it helped my self confidence grow and it brought me to where I was a few months ago.  I am so glad I am still able to draw on my friend's strength and confidence when needed.  Between her and Alexis, I'm set for life. :) 

Alexis and I have been friends for a while, but never as close as we are now.  We are completely truthful to each other, support each other in life, and honestly care about how we are doing in life.  It's tough going through life with anxiety problems, especially when life decides it wants to throw curve balls at you, coming from every direction.  Alexis and I have always made it a point to make sure we knew we could be completely and brutally honest with each other.  Just stop and re-read that sentence again.  Did you inwardly cringe?  Because I know I did.  Completely and brutally honest.  That's pretty damn honest. That's saying that we had the right and the ability to say exactly what was on our mind, no holds barred.  Let me tell you, I took that and I ran with it.  If I ever felt or thought something, I said it and after a while, I almost think I might have stopped paying attention to how it might have made Alexis feel.   We had said we could be honest, so why should I hold back?  Because there is such a thing as tact.  I should take a minute to think about what I'm going to say instead of just bursting in there willy nilly and going to town.  It hasn't broken our friendship yet.  In fact, I would say it's made it stronger.  I tend to go on a rampage to Alexis and she dishes it right back .  I can't even tell you how refreshing it is.  We never say anything that's hateful or mean, because we don't see each other that way.  But I know I try to be supportive and if I think something could be wrong, I say something about it.  I know Alexis will listen and I know she knows that I only have her best interest at heart.  I don't ever want to go so far as to sound like a parental figure or someone who is reprimanding.  But damn, once I get started? I find it hard to quit!  I kept it in for so long, all I want to do now is let it go!(<<<---- alexis="" font="" frozen="" look="" nbsp="" reference="">

I'm blessed, lucky, and amazed I have two friends I can be honest with and trust them to be honest back to me.  The truth can hurt, but I'd rather have someone I trust, than someone I can't.  I hope you enjoyed reading this.  It was kind of a tornado.  So if you have to stop reading after a few sentences, that's ok.  Even though, if you do that, you won't ever make it down to here.  XD  

We'll leave you with some wise words.

“When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.” 
                       

-Shannon L. Alder

Soundtrack

• Beer Money-  Kip Moore
• Ol' Red- Blake Shelton 
• John Deere Green- Joe Diffie 

Talkative Tuesday 5

Talkative Tuesday 5

What are things you are afraid of?


Oh man.  Just seeing this question has started my anxiety going and my mind to think of everything I haven't done.  An easier list would be 'What are things I am NOT afraid of."  But, sadly, that's not the question for today.  What are things you are afraid of?  Inhale deep breath, wait a moment and exhale slowly.  You can do this, Jess.  It's not so hard. Just type a few things that go bump in the night and are creepy crawly.  There. Done, right?  WRONG. That's not what this blog is about and it's not what Talkative Tuesdays are all about.  Well, yeah.  We want Talkative Tuesdays to be a way for you to get to know us, but also it's a way for us to get to know ourselves.  Sometimes the questions might be easy and seem silly.  But then we get questions like these.  They aren't so easy or silly.

When I was younger, I was always proud of myself that I wasn't scared of very much.  Bugs didn't bother me, heights were something to be proud of, and the deep end of the swimming pool held mysteries and stories to be uncovered.  Then came getting older and experiencing 'real life' instead of the sheltered world I grew up in.  I can't say I was prepared for it.  Life crashed into me like a wave crashing into the rocky, scraggly, cliffs in an ocean storm.  Needless to say, I did not survive like the cliffs do and was a point, worse for wear.  I had never figured that fear could be about something that wasn't physical or right there in front of you.  But it can be.  Fear isn't always something that is tangible or palpable.  Sometimes, it is what is burrowing it's way deep into your mind and staying there, ready at the slightest moment, to be the one thing you can't stop thinking about.  I have known people that say that fear is only fear if it's something you can overcome physically.  Mental fear doesn't exist. I can't agree with that.  Fear does not mean the same thing to everyone.

Sure, I have physical and tangible fears.  But I also have fears that reside in my mind and wreak havoc on my life and feed my anxiety. Physical fears?  Roaches.  Digusting creatures that can live even after they've been squished, sprayed, or eaten by chickens. ALSO, they can fly! WHAT THE HECK! That is so not even fair.  Mental fears? That list can go on and on.  I have fears about talking on the phone to people I don't know.  What if they think I sound funny?  What if I don't respond right away and they think I don't care?  What if my mental dyslexia kicks in and I mess up what I'm saying?  Then they'll think I'm an idiot.  Sure, they can't see me, but that doesn't mean that I'm not cringing and possibly blushing.  Going up to someone I don't know and asking for something or if it's free? Fuggadaboutit.  My heart starts to race, my hands start to shake, and I start to shake my head.  Even writing about it now is bringing that up.  Sure, they see tons of people all day, but I'll be the one they remember.  That idiot who asked if something was free.  Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Sadly, the amount of stupidity it holds doesn't lessen the amount of fear it strikes in my head.

Other things I'm afraid of? Talking to guys, going for an oil change, ordering coffee at Starbuck's, people begging for money on the side of the road, the kiosks in the mall with the people who try to grab you as you walk by for a sample, clothes shopping, getting a manicure, people touching me, setting up my Etsy Store, traveling alone, and going to the gym.  Believe me.  This isn't the entire list, but we would be here forever.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

It's quite the list of mental blocks and fears, but they are all fears that I am working on overcoming.  They can't all be tackled in one day, but I can work on them, one at a time, until I am able to control them and do these activities in a normal way.   It won't be easy, but man, will it be worth it.

-Jess

"Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins."

-Charles Stanley

Soundtrack

• Always The Love Songs-  Eli Young Band
•  As She's Walking Away- Zac Brown Band (feat. Alan Jackson)
•  We Go Together- John Travolta and Oliva Newton-John

I Choose To Stand By Me

Here I am sitting here, another day, another incident, another time that I find myself judged and trying to explain myself. Constantly we, as humans, are judged. "Oh, she's fat." or "Oh, she's fit." , we are judged both ways. We are told what perfection is and how to or not to achieve it. But when it comes to our own lives, why is it that we are constantly judged for every one of our decisions, no matter how right or wrong they really are? 

I choose-what brutal thing to do in life.

I choose to be fit. With that choice, I get it both ways. I am either not fit enough, or I get "You are so skinny why do you bother?". Why is this a constant question or debate? I choose to be fit for me, so why not be happy for me? It isn't hurting you.  You should either choose to be happy for me, as long as it is good for me and not harming, hurting, or endangering anyone or thing, or not concern yourself with my decisions. I never asked for your approval.

Recently I have been going through a difficult time with my horse.  He has sustained a long list of injuries in the recent months and I chose to get an MRI.  I can't even begin to tell you how I am judged both ways. It's either been people telling me 'it's excessive' or ' you're really not doing enough for him!'.  I followed through and got the MRI because it was my decision and I felt it was necessary. Many people were happy we could finally know what's going on with Kiss. Others thought it was excessive, that it was too much. But again, I sit here and ponder.  Why do I feel like I went to a party naked?  Why am I owning up to those who think I am wrong and not to those who think I am right? 

I texted Jess about a particular incident where someone had questioned my decisions for Kiss to a point that was down right mean. Who are they to decide if I am being right or wrong. To decide if I'm  doing good for him or bad? It's between me, God, and the vet. If God enables me to pay for his procedures, allows insurance to cover them, and the vet feels they are in his best interest, then I am going to proceed. I no longer want to own up to anyone other then my supporters. It has been a long time coming and I should no longer be hostage to those who can't support my choices. Especially when the decisions are good, make me happy, or are going to help something or someone I love. This is my life, not theirs.

With that I am to continuing to choose.  For too long I have been to afraid to stand by my choices. However, having been blessed with a friend whom has changed the tides of my life forever, I am starting to find an anchor in who I am and what I choose. Thank you Jess, for being a part of this gift of God, the opportunity to change my life. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this.  Both Jess and I have had some struggles with this, so I know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and deciding.  Please let us know if you have ever had to make a decision like this and how you went through with it.

-Alexis  

We'll leave you with some wise words.

“Sometimes, making the wrong choice is better than making no choice. You have the courage to go forward, that is rare. A person who stands at the fork, unable to pick, will never get anywhere.” 

- Terry Goodkind

Soundtrack

• I Like It, I Love It- Tim McGraw
• Drink, Swear, Steal, & Lie- Michael Peterson 
• Muckalee Creek Water- Luke Bryan 

One Step At A Time

Just a couple of days ago, I said to Jess "We should post less easy questions and write about what is real in our lives. We need to write about our struggles. People have the same fears and we should put ourselves out there." and now as I sit here, I have to eat my words and own up to my own suggestion.  I am realizing what has held Jess back for so long.  What if I'm rejected? What if I sound crazy? What if my posts or this blog is a total failure?   Cue the self talk.  "You can do this, don't worry or care about what anyone else thinks. This blog is for you guys."  Of course, directly following that is the "You're soooooooooo stupid for suggesting this."

I must own up to my actions; say what I mean and mean what I say.  I have never been one to say one thing and then do another.  Yet I know many people, and even have a friend or two, who are notorious for doing just that.  They say one thing and the next thing you know, they're doing something else.  It. Drives. Me. BONKERS! So here I am, faced with having to write something.  Something of value and something I struggle with.  So, with out further ado, I'll step to the ledge.  Here goes nothing!  I'm gonna JUMP!

More recently than not, I have decided that I need to start standing up for myself.  Contrary to popular belief, this has been a fight of epic proportions.  I even had a Talkative Tuesday  response about it.  Okay, I can see you now.  You're saying 'Alex, you're being dramatic.'  Yes.  Yes, as a matter a fact I am.  But that doesn't make it any less real or any less me.  Growing up, I was the kid who just did my own thing.  I wasn't popular, but I didn't care. I had horses and all of my horse friends in 4-H.  I lived for and counted down the hours until the time after school and I lived for the weekends.  Those times were spent at horse shows, on the back of a horse, and with my "cool" friends.  We were all crazy, had ratted hair, and backyard horses our parents stuck us on to learn to ride, and that meant you learned how to lose classes.  Us "cool" kids did not have the fancy clothes or the expensive trailers and horses to match.  We made do with what we had and we banded together because we didn't care.  We had one thing the rich kids didn't.  We loved our horses and we loved each other.  I have made and kept more friends from my horse years than I could ever count.  Jess being one of them.

Jess and I have always had our separate paths we followed, yet we never lost contact.  We have always been friends and we will always be the 'cool' kids.  We never got caught up in the drama, we did our own thing, and we kept to ourselves and our kind.  Until recently, when the stars aligned and God intervened, pushing our paths to merge.  Jess and I both struggle with standing up for ourselves, we both fear failure and irrational things, and we both have hang-ups with our anxiety.  However, we decided to take life into our own hands.  We decided that we were no longer going to quit life.  We are going to live it abundantly and we are going to reclaim our 'cool' kid status.  Standing up for ourselves is on our 'To-Do List Before We Die' and we will conquer it.

Jess and I both despise confrontation;  we would rather agree and suck it up than fight for ourselves.  We end up getting mad and venting to each other about not being able to 'just say no'.  Nevertheless, things are about to chance.  I know for me, at least, I am gaining that confidence needed to stand up to someone and not worry about what may or may not happen or what the outcome may be.  I am so tired.  No, scratch that. Exhuasted. I am so exhausted from hating the those internal feelings I get after I just agree to someone else's plan for me, to what someone else wants and causes me to jeopardize what I stand for, or to affect what I want or know is the right thing.  I just agree, instead of attempting to compromise or even initiate the compromise.  Let me tell you.  The tides are changing.  

I have a friend, who can be pushy, bossy, controlling, and manipulative.  Now, I'm not going to say names or anything that may hint to this person's identity, the story is the important part. I know you are asking yourself 'Why is this person her friend? What is wrong with you Alex, that you would keep this type of person in your life?'.  Okay, so here is my quick and dirty explanation.  They were not always this bossy, controlling, manipulative person.  It's taken a change of recent events in their life for them to morph into this new person.  This person was fun, friendly, and most importantly, they cared.  But something changed.  I took a break from this person's life and I stepped back for a bit, giving us some breathing room. Then, I gave them a second chance.  It seemed like they had reverted back to their old ways of being a caring and fun friend, but then the other side came out, especially when they wanted me to agree with them.  This person loves to tell me what to do with MY LIFE and instruct me on how  to live.  Recently in my life, a major even took place that has changed most things for me.  This friend felt it was their job and duty to consistently dictate to me what I should do in my life.  They would tell me how I was doing everything wrong, and if I wanted a better life, I should just do everything the way they did.  I would just ignore it. Their advice and constant badgering caused a lot of stress, internal tension, and major anxiety in my life.  It got to the point where I was wondering if they were going to bring up what they wanted me to change or get rid of every time they texted me.  

Of course, this went on for weeks because, as I've said before, I avoid confrontation like a child avoids green beans on their dinner plate.  I will do everything in my power but acknowledge the confrontation is there.  But eventually, the proverbial straw comes along and breaks that poor camel's back.  This person finally confronted me again about this life change they thought was best for me and I found that I had finally had enough.  Jess and I had talked about it A LOT and I was done!  I am sure Jess was sick of hearing about, but she still offered me more advice than one would know what to do with.  Luckily for me, it all came together.  I no longer wanted to hear what this person had to say.  I no longer wanted their advice.  The next time they texted me, confronting me, I confronted them right back.   Needless to say, this person was not expecting that reaction.  I was an easy target, a person they could bully to make themselves feel better, but when I fought back, they didn't know what to say or do.  They just responded with 'Ok. I have to go' and the conversation ended.  Before I had felt like I had enough, I would apologize and try to explain myself, but this time, I just...LET IT GO.  I have realized it's not my job to take on their feelings.  It's my job to take care of my own.  This is not the end of my epic internal battle, but I have finally taken the time to put on the armor needed and I am ready for the next battle.  They always say the first step is the hardest....  Man, are they right.  

-Alexis

I hope you enjoyed this post.  It was difficult for me to write, but I am so proud of myself for taking a step in the right direction. This might seem like a small step to any of our readers, but it is a HUGE step for me.  We hope, if any of you are having issues similar to this, always know that we are here and we love to listen.

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have."

                                                                                           -Norman Vincent Peale

Soundtrack

• Your Man- Josh Turner
•  Check Yes Or No- George Strait
•  Sober- Little Big Town

Success? What In The World Is That?

As a whole, life means something different to each person.  We all have our dreams and aspirations of what we wanted, thought our life would be like, and hoped it would turn out as, and they are each as different and individual as the people who have them.  Some of us might have images of grandeur and great success while others might have goals and dreams that are smaller in scale but just as important. These are difficult to achieve as it is!  No one person can know of every speed bump or blockade they'll have in life that they'll have to work to overcome.  But add living with something like anxiety or depression and the daunting walls become twofold.

I can't even begin to try and explain how deep I am in the quicksand that is life and how fast it's pulling me down.  Granted, I'm struggling quite a bit, so I'm sinking even faster, but sometimes I feel hopeless, like I can't get out, or as soon as I do, I'm pushed right back in. It's a scary idea to have and it can feel like it's suffocating me.  Success and failure are a huge part of my anxiety and they are always in the front of my mind, always around no matter what I am doing or thinking. 

Mirriam-Webster defines success as "the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like." and it's a definition many people use to measure their life, but I'm not sure I agree.  As a teenager in high school, I was more than involved in everything I could be.  4-H, FFA, Student Horseman's Association, Student Government, completing my two Associate's Degrees, riding and showing my horses, competing at the local, state, and national level, and various competitions within 4-H and FFA. I was a busy student and I saw myself as a hard worker and an overachiever.  My life wasn't going to way I wanted it to unless I put all my time into my FFA Chapter or my 4-H Club, or I didn't do the best I could at the Horse Judging contest and winning.  Now don't get me wrong.  Winning wasn't everything to me, if someone else did a better job than I did and deserved the win, I was happy with that.  I just wanted to make sure I did the best I could and put my best effort forward. I was good at what I did in high school and I had dreams and visions of where I would go from there once I graduated.  

I had hoped I would be offered a scholarship or two for all of my hard work in high school and everything I was involved in, but I wasn't.  I didn't let that deter me.  I was still going to go to the one of the colleges I wanted to and I was going to be involved once I got there.  Cut to me attending the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.  Those were two of the best years of my life. I met one of my best friends in the whole wide world,  Blogged, had some experiences I wouldn't trade for the world, and worked with some of the best people I will ever know. But it didn't last.  Some things happened, UNL became too expensive for my family, and I didn't have the answers anymore. That was so scary for me, not having the answers.  This was the first time that the feeling of not knowing was real and I didn't know what to do.  My mother came back to Lincoln with me to move my horse and all of my stuff back to Arizona, and if felt as if I had just hit a wall.  I failed myself.  I never finished school at UNL and now I was back home, no job, no degree, and no idea of what I was going to do next.  

The past two and a half years have been an immense struggle for me and I haven't really been able to get back up successfully and start living again.  It feels almost as if I have just been a passenger and whatever happens happens, and I just go along with it.  But that's not living.  That's not even kind of living.  That is one step short of giving up and just saying "the heck with it all, I don't care anymore."  I cared.  I still do, but I was so confused and unsure and frankly, scared of what was happening.  My mind didn't help any.  Every minute it could, it was telling me that I had failed and I was no longer the success I was in high school.  I would over-think every little detail and wonder what I had done wrong in high school that didn't get me the scholarship to the college I wanted or the higher placing at a National competition. As if, rehashing and rethinking everything from high school and my years at UNL would change anything.  Just going along with life and over obsessing about my past did nothing other than make me depressed and feel like I had peaked and now I was just here to be here.  

I allowed myself to listen to my mind and everything I over obsessed about and now I find myself to afraid of failing like I did before, to even try and go out and get what I want now.  I'm the one on the edge of pool, jealous of the people in the water having fun.  I have so many opportunities and chances for my life to change and I keep putting them off because I don't want to fail again.  I don't want to feel as if I wasn't good enough or I didn't try my hardest and it's my fault.  I am so scared of disappointing people and seeing them look at me with disappointment or pity in their eyes.  That debilitating feeling of possible, impending failure keeps me from reaching for the stars.  I can't live like this anymore.  My anxiety is winning and my fears are at their highest point.  I am not proud of the person I have been in the past couple of years.  Sure, things happen and people change, but that doesn't mean that I have completely failed.

Success, to me, can also be defined by the people around you, the hobbies you have, the job you're at, and how you view life.  I don't believe that it has to be defined by your career, your stature, your wealth of money.  Define it instead by if you're happy.  Are you happy with the job you have currently? Career or not.  Are you surrounded by people who genuinely care about you and your life? Do you involve yourself in hobbies that keep you happy and entertained and busy?  Because if you can answer yes to any and all of those questions, you're successful in my book.   Everyone has failures and setbacks in their life.  But if they keep their chin up and busy with their friends and hobbies and themselves, the failures don't seem so big.  They aren't so daunting.  

Something I've learned since moving back to Scottsdale and becoming even better friends with Alexis, is that I'm never alone.  Even when I may think I am.  There will always be someone out there who is willing to help and invested in your life.  She keeps me grounded, sane, and inspired.  My photography is something that I use to help when my anxiety feels like it's too much.  She's helping me get it off the ground and continue with the ideas that I had. Pushing me to keep going, even though I'm scared of failing.  I'm lucky and so completely blessed to have her and my wonderful 'sister' from Nebraska.  Because I wouldn't be able to see clearly without them.

                                                                                                                                       - Jess



I hope you enjoyed reading this today!  It was a little intense for me to write, but I wanted to share.  If you guys have anything you struggle with, success or failure wise, please share and let us know how you overcame! We look foward to hearing from you!

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."

                                                                                                           -Winston Churchill

Soundtrack

• You- Chris Young
• Chillin' It- Cole Swindell
• Helluva Life- Frankie Ballard

Talkative Tuesday 4

Today's Talkative Tuesday Question

What are 5 words/phrases that make you laugh?

• Turd
• Gobbledygook
• Oobdegoober 
•  Fart-Knocker
•  Home Skillet

-Jess

• Kiss (the horse)
• Shenanigans
• Disneyland
• Bamboozled
• Weenis

-Alexis

We hope you enjoyed reading our answers.  If any of you feel like sharing your thoughts and/or answers for our Talkative Tuesday question, please feel free to do so!  Answer with whatever comes to mind first. A personal internal struggle, a vacation you've always wanted to take, having the courage to say no to someone, anything at all! 

We'll leave you with some wise words.

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh.  It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

                                                                                                    ― Audrey Hepburn

Soundtrack:

• Outta My Head- Craig Campbell
• Barefoot Blue Jean Night- Jake Owen
• Knee Deep- Zach Brown Band