I tried scouring the interwebs for something that so perfectly described how life with anxiety is for me. I can't even tell you how long I was looking before this perfect gif came up. The words, her face, everything about it is so familiar to me, I feel like I'm home. This is something I understand so perfectly, that I'm calm. Living with anxiety, every day is something different. Granted, sometimes they just run together that they all seem to be the same, but they aren't. It's never perfect, for people with anxiety, as it seems like it can be for others who live lives fun and fancy free. The only way to survive it is to do the best you can each and every day. Some of those days are beautiful and wonderful and you think that if every day was like this one, that maybe, just maybe, you'd be closer to being normal and you would have that dark cloud of anxiety hovering over you. Then other days? Yeah. They're the pits.
When it comes to me, my highs are really, really high. But those darn stinkin' lows drag me down until I'm hopeless and I don't know what to do, or if I even want to try to fix it. It's a scary place to be, especially when you're lost like me. I don't want you to read into what I just typed as my mind and life is a depressing suck hole where I wish my life was akin to a horror movie, because it's not. But I'm at a place where the anxiety has taken over and I'm doing the best I can to continue on, but I don't know how. There, I said it. I don't know how to keep going. I am at a loss and I don't know how to live life with anxiety as an equal partner rather than a domineering voice. Nobody in my family really knows. If any of us have anxiety, we either don't know that's what it is, or we stuff it under the pillows and promptly try to forget about it. After all, everyone gets stressed, right? It's just the pressure from the stress. Everything would work itself out eventually.
For a while, that worked for me. The problems I had relating to my anxiety were pretty concentrated, and I was able to push them to the side. I wish it had continued on like that forever. Hah. If only, right? Eventually, you get to a point in your life, where the anxiety spreads like wildfire, from the small part of your life to every part the flame has a chance to flicker to. You're caught in the crosshairs and I know from my experience, I was frozen, just watching it take over my life. I never really realized how much of an issue I had in social situations until my relationship with Blade. I never had to think about it for more than a few moments because I was able to stay away from the situations I didn't want to go to and I could stay secluded in my own little world. Then everything changed and my eyes were opened.
When it came to Blade and I's relationship, I was supportive of him to a fault. I realize now that it was out of fear and anxiety as well as love and character. I let my anxiety tell me that it was more important to support him and the things he loved to do all the time and to push ideas of what I wanted every once in a while down, because my feelings weren't important. He had never said that to me. In fact, he was always trying to get me to tell him what we should do or trying to have me make the decision of what we would do that date night. But I could never commit because I always had stupid little voice in my head. The voice that said my ideas were stupid and he wouldn't want to do that, or that his ideas were more important because I needed to make sure that I kept him happy so our relationship wouldn't end. My anxiety kept telling me that if I could just keep him happy and keep myself in the shadows, everything would be ok.
I wish I had listened to common sense instead of the sneaky little twit that resides in the deep recesses of my brain. But it's so hard. It's so, so hard. Sure, people like me can be strong or independent, but when anxiety has a talon in your consciousness and is there for every waking moment, the game changes. The things people say or do to you stay with you. The looks hurt and the words hurt even more and before you know it, you turn into a shell of your former self because you start to believe the things people would tell you. That voice in your head can be so persuasive and it starts to repeat the things it hears, like a parrot on your shoulder. Whether it's people you know or people you've never met, they affect you the same if you hear it enough. The days turn into weeks and the weeks into months and suddenly you're just a broken version of you, lost and confused.
That's where I was when I met Blade, and I wish I could say I was healed and am better now, but I'm not. Blade tried to help me, tried to get me to see that I was better than what people had said of me in the past. That maybe they had mattered when I was alone, but now I was with someone who loved me for me, who saw the good things and the bad and still wanted to be with me. That I was with someone who trusted in God and looked to him for guidance. With someone who didn't think I was broken, just a little scratched. He tried so hard and he was with me every step of the way. But after a while, even after trying so hard, there's nothing left you can do. Anxiety is rough on you and it's rough on those who love you. I resisted quite a bit because I was scared. I was scared of trying something new because I thought if I did it wrong, he would leave, because that's how my friends were in the past. He told me over and over the outcome wasn't the important part, that the attempt to try was.
I trusted him more than anyone else in my life but I didn't trust him enough. I didn't want him to see inside my head because I was ashamed of how my mind worked. The things I couldn't stop thinking about on repeat. He wasn't perfect. None of us are. But he is so much stronger , mentally, than I am and I didn't want him to see me as a failure. That was the biggest fear I had. I didn't want him to see the things I was afraid of because I thought it would make him love me less, that suddenly he'd realize what kind of girlfriend I was and that he didn't want any part of it anymore. So I kept the biggest things back. Even when he would open up and talk to me about his fears and his feelings and his struggles. I turned our relationship into a one sided, support system and it just didn't work anymore.
I let myself dream and wish for future plans with our relationship. Marriage, a family, building a life together, but I wasn't able to put all of myself on the table . I was too scared to trust him with my issues and my anxiety. Now, I look back and I tell myself, "I should have just done this..." or "If only I would have opened up that one time he asked..." but I could do that all day. Talking to him after we broke up, a lot more things came out into the open. I remember him saying that he didn't understand my anxiety issues, how they worked or why they were so bad, but he knew that I needed time to figure out who I was as me. I had spent all of my life altering the way I lived to fit with someone who was close to me. I didn't know who Jess was and frankly, I still don't. But I'm getting closer every day, and I have him to thank for that. That was one of the hardest days of my life, but sometimes you just need a sudden jolt, a wake up call, to start living again. But this time, to start living for you.
But don't get me wrong. I am not saying to go and become a selfish version of you. Always doing things you want to do and never supporting anyone else in your life, because that is not what I was implying. Take time to figure out who you are. What makes you happy? Who makes your day brighter? Do things that enlighten your daily life, but also support those who you love. Anxiety, when left unchecked, runs rampant and destroys everything in it's path because it's allowed to. I learned my lesson, at a very great expense, and now, I need to learn how to control it. How to live a normal life with it. I know it's not going to be easy. Heck. Life is rarely easy for people with anxiety. But the best thing we can do is try our best to make it through. Some days are going to be easy and some days...they're going to be really rough, I'm not going to lie to you. But know what makes you happy, so you can take a break from anxiety and it's clutches, and you can spend some time for you. Surround yourself with people who love you and truly care for you. I am extremely lucky to still have Blade as a support system, as well as my bestest friend in Nebraska, my family, and my bestest friend Alexis. I can't do it alone. I learned that. But now I have a network of people who can help me... I'm hoping to start going to therapy to learn better ways of coping. Also, to learn how to talk about the issues in my head. Anxiety is not something that should cause embarrassment, but it does. All the time. I need to be a stronger person and I have to ask for help. We'll see how it goes. I have some high hopes. :)
I hope you enjoyed reading this and can relate. Life isn't easy all the time. But it's worth growing and learning and having certain people in your life who help you realize that you aren't as damaged as you might have thought. If you ever need anyone to talk to, we are both always here. Hope the rest of your week is going splendidly!
We'll leave you with some wise words.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Soundtrack
- Too Much Fun- Daryle Singletary
- Don't Take The Girl- Tim McGraw
- Whiskey's Gone- Zac Brown Band
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