In today's world, it doesn't take much before we become inundated with everyone else's life, before our social feeds are overrun by peoples' thoughts of the day. Social networking has made it easier and easier for us to share our lives with everyone around us and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram make it so simple for our lives, success and failures, to become everyone's business. For us living with anxiety, social media profile feeds can have triggers that cause our brains to jump into over drive.
For a long time, I had hundreds of people on my friends list on Facebook. They weren't necessarily people I was close friends with, but they were people I wanted to, keep tabs on, perse. Yeah. You read that right. Keep tabs on. Sounds kind of psychotic doesn't it? Why the heck would she want to keep tabs on people she wasn't friends with? Because my anxiety ridden brain liked to tell me that people I was friends with in Facebook deserved the successes they received more than I did.
I used to think about some of these people in the context that they didn't deserve the things they got. They didn't deserve that new horse or that school scholarship. They were people I knew personally and I didn't feel that they lived a life that constituted an over abundance of good things to happen to them. Why them? Why not to good people who did good things?
There were people on my Facebook who I would truely be happy for when they recieved that scholarship or was able to get a new horse. There were people I knew who did deserve happy things in life. But I can clearly remember it being the people who cut corners or cheated or were not fit animal caretakers who would receive the new horse or whatever reward they had stepped on other people to get to. I would get so *angry* when I would read their status updates or the tweets they'd post. I always remember asking "why? Why do they get everything they want?" Or " How come I work hard and have all these neurosis and they have the easy life?"
To be completely honest with you, it wasn't until recently that I slapped some sense into myself. "Who was I to think I knew about everyone's life and that I could say who deserved what?" That wasn't something I could do. I'm just a person, same as everyone else, trying to live life as best I can. Why should I be jealous of someone else's life? Though it sometimes felt like people would share every intimate detail about their life, I never knew what it was like 24/7 for them. Maybe their life was exactly how they portrayed it as. But I doubt it.
When I take a step back and think about it, I realize that my life is pretty great. I have a family that loves me, friends that stand by me, and horses to ride and care for. Sure, some of those people I disliked and were jealous of, may have been cheaters and users and rude to others, but I know that I can live a life that I am proud of and I can work towards making the right choices. My anxiety tries to disagree me. Whispering those horrible words of self denial, informing me that maybe cheating wouldn't be so bad if I got the same result as those people who's feed I would read. That it's ok sometimes, to do whatever you need to to get what you want.
But I know differently. We're all human. There's always going to be someone who is jealous of your life. Who wants to be even slightly like you. I know my life is great. It isn't perfect by any means, but it's something I can stand by. But I can live as someone with Faith that I love a life that I am always working towards being proud of and knowing I do what's right. Thinking that someone may be jealous of my life and want it for their own is never something I would have said about myself. But it's time that I put my anxiety aside and I stop listening to the negative nellies in my head and I live my life for me.
Life shouldn't be about having to cheat and scam your way to the top. It should be about enjoying life and loving the opportunities we are given. I have stopped spending as much time on Facebook, posting less on Instagram, and following different people on Twitter. I am actively choosing to surround myself with people and social media that supports the happy and cheerful life. The less time I spend on Facebook, the less depressed I am because I feel as if their lives are better than mine.
It's a daily battle. I used to spend quite a bit of time on Facebook and I can recall texting Alexis when I'd see someone's status update about a new horse and how they didn't deserve that horse. But I don't think about that as much now. I try to remind myself of things in my life that I'm happy about. As much as I might think my life sucks, at that moment, I still have it pretty good and I need to acknowledge that. So I do. Sometimes, I need Alexis or Kami to help keep me on track, but I can't tell you how much happier I am no longer comparing my life to someone else's. My anxiety has to find other ways to try and ruin my day and sometimes, it doesn't work. :). I've overcome that hurdle in my life, living with my anxiety. I can't wait to see what other hurdles I can jump over.
I hope you enjoyed reading this blog post. I also hope it's something you can relate too. No one ever wants to be alone in their suffering. Haha. :p
We'll leave you with some wise words.
"Don't waste time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind."
Soundtrack
• The Man I Want To Be- Chris Young
• Us Again- Chuck Wicks
• True Believers- Darius Rucker
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