Sometimes, We're Just A Little Jealous

In today's world, it doesn't take much before we become inundated with everyone else's life, before our social feeds are overrun by peoples' thoughts of the day.   Social networking has made it easier and easier for us to share our lives with everyone around us and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram make it so simple for our lives, success and failures, to become everyone's business. For us living with anxiety, social media profile feeds can have triggers that cause our brains to jump into over drive. 

For a long time, I had hundreds of people on my friends list on Facebook. They weren't necessarily people I was close friends with, but they were people I wanted to, keep tabs on, perse. Yeah.  You read that right. Keep tabs on. Sounds kind of psychotic doesn't it?  Why the heck would she want to keep tabs on people she wasn't friends with?  Because my anxiety ridden brain liked to tell me that people I was friends with in Facebook deserved the successes they received more than I did. 

I used to think about some of these people in the context that they didn't deserve the things they got. They didn't deserve that new horse or that school scholarship. They were people I knew personally and I didn't feel that they lived a life that constituted an over abundance of good things to happen to them. Why them? Why not to good people who did good things?

There were people on my Facebook who I would truely be happy for when they recieved that scholarship or was able to get a new horse. There were people I knew who did deserve happy things in life. But I can clearly remember it being the people who cut corners or cheated or were not fit animal caretakers who would receive the new horse or whatever reward they had stepped on other people  to get to.  I would get so *angry* when I would read their status updates or the tweets they'd post. I always remember asking "why?  Why do they get everything they want?"  Or " How come I work hard and have all these neurosis and they have the easy life?"

To be completely honest with you, it wasn't until recently that I slapped some sense into myself. "Who was I to think I knew about everyone's life and that I could say who deserved what?"  That wasn't something I could do. I'm just a person, same as everyone else, trying to live life as best I can.  Why should I be jealous of someone else's life?  Though it sometimes felt like people would share every intimate detail about their life, I never knew what it was like 24/7 for them.  Maybe their life was exactly how they portrayed it as. But I doubt it. 

When I take a step back and think about it, I realize that my life is pretty great.  I have a family that loves me, friends that stand by me, and horses to ride and care for. Sure, some of those people I disliked and were jealous of, may have been cheaters and users and rude to others, but I know that I can live a life that I am proud of and I can work towards making the right choices.  My anxiety tries to disagree me.  Whispering those horrible words of self denial, informing me that maybe cheating wouldn't be so bad if I got the same result as those people who's feed I would read. That it's ok sometimes, to do whatever you need to to get what you want. 

But I know differently. We're all human. There's always going to be someone who is jealous of your life. Who wants to be even slightly like you. I know my life is great. It isn't perfect by any means, but it's something I can stand by.   But I can live as someone with Faith that I love a life that I am always working towards being proud of and knowing I do what's right.   Thinking that someone may be jealous of my life and want it for their own is never something I would have said about myself. But it's time that I put my anxiety aside and I stop listening to the negative nellies in my head and I live my life for me. 

Life shouldn't be about having to cheat and scam your way to the top.  It should be about enjoying life and loving the opportunities we are given. I have stopped spending as much time on Facebook, posting less on Instagram, and following different people on Twitter. I am actively choosing to surround myself with people and social media that supports the happy and cheerful life.  The less time I spend on Facebook, the less depressed I am because I feel as if their lives are better than mine. 

It's a daily battle. I used to spend quite a bit of time on Facebook and I can recall texting Alexis when I'd see someone's status update about a new horse and how they didn't deserve that horse. But I don't think about that as much now. I try to remind myself of things in my life that I'm happy about. As much as I might think my life sucks, at that moment, I still have it pretty good and I need to acknowledge that. So I do. Sometimes, I need Alexis or Kami to help keep me on track, but I can't tell you how much happier I am no longer comparing my life to someone else's. My anxiety has to find other ways to try and ruin my day and sometimes, it doesn't work. :). I've overcome that hurdle in my life, living with my anxiety. I can't wait to see what other hurdles I can jump over. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog post. I also hope it's something you can relate too.  No one ever wants to be alone in their suffering. Haha. :p 

We'll leave you with some wise words. 

"Don't waste time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind." 

                                            -Mary Schmich

Soundtrack 

• The Man I Want To Be-  Chris Young

• Us Again- Chuck Wicks

• True Believers- Darius Rucker 

Will I Ever Be Happy With Me?

For a very long time, this was something that fueled my anxiety to the point that it became unbearable. I can't remeber a time that I've been happy with the person I am, or was, for longer than a few hours and I always... always thought because I wasn't a "Cool" person or an "insanely smart person" that people wouldn't want to be around me.  That because I wasn't happy with who I was, people would notice and shy away.  People would instead use me for their own comfort and then toss me aside when they were done. 

I can't really blame them. I never made sure to enjoy who I was or to tell myself that "making mistakes is a normal part of life". Everyone makes them. It just depends on who uses it as a lesson and moves on and who uses it as an excuse to stay down.  I would keep all my failures and mistakes on what seemed like flash cards in my brain and whenever I would do something great or start to enjoy myself, my brain would be ready with a flash card of a mistake I made or a mess I created, to remind me that I couldn't be happy. 

I have three people that have come into myself at different stages that have helped me to realize that mistakes are just that.  Mistakes. And I should use them as a stepping stone to be happier with who I've become. My crazy partner in crime from Nebraska, my ex boyfriend, and the other half of shenanigans and adventures are the people that I have learned from and continue to learn from. 

Being happy about who I am isn't just about everything nice done right or how few mistakes I've made. It's about trying to live the best that I can and to accept the mistakes and learn from them and then to power onward. Being happy about who I am is about not reading deeper into what my brain says about me. Or taking what other people say about me and maximizing it. 

I needed to realize that I have something to offer this world and the people in it and I have a purpose here on this Earth. Granted, I have no idea what those things are yet, but they're there. I can be proud of who I am. And I need to strive to continue making choices that help me be proud of myself. If I am an overall happy person, reason would allow that I should be happy with myself too. It's not an easy journey, but I'm working on it. 

One of my first steps is crossing something off my list of things I've always wanted to do. I did some crossfit with Blade, but we had never had the chance to join an actual Crossfit Box. Guess what. I've joined a Crossfit box! Yayyyy! Dance party timeeeeee. Yes. It's scary. But it's also so worth it. This is something I'm going to conquer and I will start to believe that I'm stronger because I will be.  It will be an interesting journey, but it will be fun and I can't wait to share. :)

I hope you've enjoyed today's post. Let us leave you with some wise words. 

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."  

                                      -Hebrews 12:11

Soundtrack. 

• Drunk On A Plane- Dierks Bentley

• Drink To That All- Jerrod Neimann

• Little Red Rodeo- Colin Raye

The Dance

"I am glad I didn't know the way it all would end,

the way it all would go.

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I would have had to miss the dance."

Every now and then, I bring out my old iPod, from way back in the day, and the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, plays out of my speakers.  I always turn it up because it is one of my all-time favorite songs.  Recently, this song takes on a new meaning for a few things in my life, or maybe even my entire life.  If we were to really know exactly how it would all go, exactly how it would all end, we would change everything!  We would change the ending.  However, how can I experience all of what God has planned for my life if I know how it all would end?

For the longest time, I would hear this song and tears would stream out as I mumbled the words.  I think about Danny, I think about how she was such a big part of my life and how she gave me the gift of love, friendship, family, trust, and freedom.  My childhood was not the perfect story of a loving family,  a spoiled child who had everything.  I may not have been the girl who always got a pony for Christmas, but we must always remember that things are not always as they seem.  My childhood was different than most, I spent a long time trying to fix my past.  I'm slowly learning to let it go. Let it go and let God.  Sometimes we aren't given a great hand of cards and sometimes we have to leave home to figure out who we are.  Danny was my home for a long time and she was what made life real.  She was who I always wanted to be and she was the one who always loved me no matter what.  When Danny was called home, I became homeless and I lost myself, my life.  But I have to remember that sometimes, leaving home is one of the greatest gifts in life.

When I hear this song, I flicker back and forth between memories and reality.  I think about if I knew that she would pass on abruptly, stopping my entire world, would I have given up all those memories?  For a while, the answer was a resounding yes.  Yes, I would have don't anything to stop my heart from hurting. I hated this song.  I would punch the button and shout "NEXT" and change the song with such force that I am surprised the clicker on the iPod still works.  Over time, I have slowly accepted her as part of my life, as  apart of me, as a part of who I am and who I once was.  "For a moment all the world was right, how could I have known you would ever have to say goodbye."  I am glad I didn't know how it would all end because I would have never given my heart so freely to something and allowed it to change my life and who I am forever.  Those memories are still painful, but those memories are a part of who I am.  At one time, I wanted so desperately to just be disposed of it, dispose of who I was to replace it with something that didn't have to hurt so bad.  But I have to remember how great a love it was to have, that it hurts so badly now.  I know I was living then because I have hundreds upon thousands of memories with Danny.  Some of them, I am not ready to bring up and others flow in and out of my heart like and ocean tide.  They serve as a faint reminder that she may only be a humming bird gracing the wind, but I am still here with all that was her.  I must remember to live life to the fullest and not drift from what has made me who I am today.

Yes, my life is better left to chance.  I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance.  I hope you enjoy reading this little  sneak peek into my life and memories.  Life isn't always easy, but it's always worth the dance.

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"It's possible to go on, no matter who impossible it seems."

- Nicholas Sparks   

Soundtrack

• Crazy Town- Jason Aldean 
• Young Love(Strong Love)- The Judds
•  Let It Go- Tim McGraw 

Anxiety is a Rough Mistress

I tried scouring the interwebs for something that so perfectly described how life with anxiety is for me.  I can't even tell you how long I was looking before this perfect gif came up.  The words, her face, everything about it is so familiar to me, I feel like I'm home.  This is something I understand so perfectly, that I'm calm.  Living with anxiety, every day is something different.  Granted, sometimes they just run together that they all seem to be the same, but they aren't.  It's never perfect, for people with anxiety, as it seems like it can be for others who live lives fun and fancy free. The only way to survive it is to do the best you can each and every day.  Some of those days are beautiful and wonderful and you think that if every day was like this one, that maybe, just maybe, you'd be closer to being normal and you would have that dark cloud of anxiety hovering over you.  Then other days?  Yeah.  They're the pits.  

When it comes to me, my highs are really, really high.  But those darn stinkin' lows drag me down until I'm hopeless and I don't know what to do, or if I even want to try to fix it.  It's a scary place to be, especially when you're lost like me.  I don't want you to read into what I just typed as my mind and life is a depressing suck hole where I wish my life was akin to a horror movie, because it's not.  But I'm at a place where the anxiety has taken over and I'm doing the best I can to continue on, but I don't know how.  There, I said it. I don't know how to keep going.  I am at a loss and I don't know how to live life with anxiety as an equal partner rather than a domineering voice.  Nobody in my family really knows.  If any of us have anxiety, we either don't know that's what it is, or we stuff it under the pillows and promptly try to forget about it.  After all, everyone gets stressed, right?  It's just the pressure from the stress.  Everything would work itself out eventually.  

For a while, that worked for me.  The problems I had relating to my anxiety were pretty concentrated, and I was able to push them to the side.  I wish it had continued on like that forever.  Hah.  If only, right?  Eventually, you get to a point in your life, where the anxiety spreads like wildfire, from the small part of your life to every part the flame has a chance to flicker to.  You're caught in the crosshairs and I know from my experience, I was frozen, just watching it take over my life.  I never really realized how much of an issue I had in social situations until my relationship with Blade.  I never had to think about it for more than a few moments because I was able to stay away from the situations I didn't want to go to and I could stay secluded in my own little world.  Then everything changed and my eyes were opened.

When it came to Blade and I's relationship, I was supportive of him to a fault.  I realize now that it was out of fear and anxiety as well as love and character.  I let my anxiety tell me that it was more important to support him and the things he loved to do all the time and to push ideas of what I wanted every once in a while down, because my feelings weren't important.  He had never said that to me.  In fact, he was always trying to get me to tell him what we should do or trying to have me make the decision of what we would do that date night.  But I could never commit because I always had stupid little voice in my head.  The voice that said my ideas were stupid and he wouldn't want to do that, or that his ideas were more important because I needed to make sure that I kept him happy so our relationship wouldn't end.   My anxiety kept telling me that if I could just keep him happy and keep myself in the shadows, everything would be ok. 

I wish I had listened to common sense instead of the sneaky little twit that resides in the deep recesses of my brain.  But it's so hard. It's so, so hard.  Sure, people like me can be strong or independent, but when anxiety has a talon in your consciousness  and is there for every waking moment, the game changes.  The things people say or do to you stay with you.  The looks hurt and the words hurt even more and before you know it, you turn into a shell of your former self because you start to believe the things people would tell you.  That voice in your head can be so persuasive and it starts to repeat the things it hears, like a parrot on your shoulder.  Whether it's people you know or people you've never met, they affect you the same if you hear it enough.  The days turn into weeks and the weeks into months and suddenly you're just a broken version of you, lost and confused.  

That's where I was when I met Blade, and I wish I could say I was healed and am better now, but I'm not.  Blade tried to help me, tried to get me to see that I was better than what people had said of me in the past.  That maybe they had mattered when I was alone, but now I was with someone who loved me for me, who saw the good things and the bad and still wanted to be with me.  That I was with someone who trusted in God and looked to him for guidance.  With someone who didn't think I was broken, just a little scratched.   He tried so hard and he was with me every step of the way.  But after a while, even after trying so hard, there's nothing left you can do.  Anxiety is rough on you and it's rough on those who love you. I resisted quite a bit because I was scared.  I was scared of trying something new because I thought if I did it wrong,  he would leave, because that's how my friends were in the past.  He told me over and over the outcome wasn't the important part, that the attempt to try was. 

 I trusted him more than anyone else in my life but I didn't trust him enough.  I didn't want him to see inside my head because I was ashamed of how my mind worked.  The things I couldn't stop thinking about on repeat.  He wasn't perfect.  None of us are.  But he is so much stronger , mentally, than I am and I didn't want him to see me as a failure.  That was the biggest fear I had.  I didn't want him to see the things I was afraid of because I thought it would make him love me less, that suddenly he'd realize what kind of girlfriend I was and that he didn't want any part of it anymore. So I kept the biggest things back.  Even when he would open up and talk to me about his fears and his feelings and his struggles.  I turned our relationship into a one sided, support system and it just didn't work anymore. 

I let myself dream and wish for future plans with our relationship.  Marriage, a family, building a life together, but I wasn't able to put all of myself on the table .  I was too scared to trust him with my issues and my anxiety.  Now, I look back and I tell myself, "I should have just done this..." or "If only I would have opened up that one time he asked..." but I could do that all day.  Talking to him after we broke up, a lot more things came out into the open. I remember him saying that he didn't understand my anxiety issues, how they worked or why they were so bad, but he knew that I needed time to figure out who I was as me.  I had spent all of my life altering the way I lived to fit with someone who was close to me.  I didn't know who Jess was and frankly, I still don't.  But I'm getting closer every day, and I have him to thank for that.  That was one of the hardest days of my life, but sometimes you just need a sudden jolt, a wake up call, to start living again.  But this time, to start living for you.  

But don't get me wrong.  I am not saying to go and become a selfish version of you.  Always doing things you want to do and never supporting anyone else in your life, because that is not what I was implying.  Take time to figure out who you are.  What makes you happy?  Who makes your day brighter?  Do things that enlighten your daily life, but also support those who you love.  Anxiety, when left unchecked, runs rampant and destroys everything in it's path because it's allowed to.  I learned my lesson, at a very great expense, and now, I need to learn how to control it.  How to live a normal life with it.  I know it's not going to be easy.  Heck.  Life is rarely easy for people with anxiety.  But the best thing we can do is try our best to make it through.  Some days are going to be easy and some days...they're going to be really rough, I'm not going to lie to you.  But know what makes you happy, so you can take a break from anxiety and it's clutches, and you can spend some time for you.  Surround yourself with people who love you and truly care for you.  I am extremely lucky to still have Blade as a support system, as well as my bestest friend in Nebraska, my family, and my bestest friend Alexis.  I can't do it alone.  I learned that.  But now I have a network of people who can help me... I'm hoping to start going to therapy to learn better ways of coping. Also, to learn how to talk about the issues in my head.  Anxiety is not something that should cause embarrassment, but it does.  All the time.  I need to be a stronger person and I have to ask for help.  We'll see how it goes.  I have some high hopes. :)

I hope you enjoyed reading this and can relate.  Life isn't easy all the time. But it's worth growing and learning and having certain people in your life who help you realize that you aren't as damaged as you might have thought.  If you ever need anyone to talk to, we are both always here.  Hope the rest of your week is going splendidly!

We'll leave you with some wise words.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Soundtrack

• Too Much Fun- Daryle Singletary
• Don't Take The Girl- Tim McGraw
• Whiskey's Gone- Zac Brown Band

Standing On The Cliff, Debating To Jump. Part 1

I am going to open myself up to the world of online judgment. This blog post is about online dating and my internal war; to online date or not to online date. About a year ago, I had a stint  with online dating that was only a few months.  I was highly unsuccessful. (you're judging and I know it). Those damn commercials for Match.com and eHarmony are so amazing.  They show cute couples who end up together… Okay, yeah they probably paid them to be married and they only pick the beautiful ones. So I am here debating, after a year, should I try online dating again and take a risk, or should I continue on my merry way, hoping one day someone will cross my  path and change everything. Here is the moment where you would insert every cliche thing you know. “There is someone for everyone” , yeah ok, total bullshit I say to that. Or “when you stop looking you will find someone”.  I find that to be horse shit too, because if I am not looking, how can I find someone? I can’t find my car keys if I am not looking for them…… just saying 

Okay, so now that you have spent the last two minutes judging me for online dating, lets que to the  statistics.  More than 40% of people meet their partner online now days. You stand a 3x greater chance at meeting someone online vs not at all. Plus, 2/5 couples are from online dating. That appears to be pretty good odds….  Here's a nifty little table for you. 

Total eHarmony members	15,500,000
Total Match.com members	21,575,000

Average length of courtship for marriages that met online	18.5 Months
Average length of courtship for marriages that met offline	42 Months

Anyways now that you have some information, let's here my story.  Then you can help me decide if I should jump off the dating cliff or continue to stand at the ledge, hating every couple at the grocery store.  Wait, let's be honest. I pretty much hate all happy couples as of recently….. 

Anywho… back to me. I have been doing my own thing for a few years now and have not dated seriously other than that stint on a few dating sites that were not as successful as those commercials make it out to be. So, I have been contemplating.  Should I do this again?   Let me give you a little history about myself.  I have a career  and  I work for a local utility company, running a program for the entire company.  It's a big job for one person. I own my house and have 4 dogs, several chickens, and two horses. If that wasn’t enough, I work out 5 days a week at a cross fit gym and I am currently working on finishing my MBA. I don’t have a lot of time or motivation to go out to a bar.. Que statistics… only 9% of people ever meet someone in a bar… I blame the beer. All of the dudes at church are too young, too old, or the just right ones are married… Initiate old maid dance sequence here. So I have thought well, when the right person comes along, we will cross paths and bam it will all work out… JOKE'S ON ME! No one talks to you at the grocery store.  If I go horseback riding, it's with women.  I go dancing, it's mostly women and older couples, and any of my other hobbies are pretty much with women. This is where the great option of online dating comes in.  I have begun to research and troll the sites to see what kind of people are out there. I have found a good mix, then there are some scary ones. Jess and I actually troll the sites and take pix and send them to each other of the guys who are just well… I am not sure how they thought posting some of these pix are okay, i.e. a guy posted one of him peeing….. Needless to say, I am very skeptical to take this jump again into the online dating world. I won’t keep all of you readers busy with my ramblings… I need some food and a good girl text chat with Jess to discuss my recent findings of winners and I will be back for The cliff jumping action part two. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog post.  Can't wait for part two!  

We'll leave you with some wise words.

"Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women."

- Natalie Portman    

Soundtrack

• Love A Little Stronger- Diamond Rio
• You Lie- The Band Perry
•  If I Didn't Have You- Thompson Square